We said goodbye to the greatest man any of us had ever had the pleasure of loving.
My grandfather.
I am an especially emotional person, always have been.
I feel deeply, I love deeply, I hurt deeply, and on top of my own feelings I am an empathizer to a fault- pile on everyone else's feelings and I am a mini basket case of raw emotion on a good day;
so when we said goodbye to the man who made the world make sense, I struggled.
I am still struggling.
I can honestly say I have wept every single day since I got the news that he had been freed from his mortal prison of Parkinson's.
I could write a book on my childhood, and why my grandfather is one of the reasons that I am still here, alive, and almost well adjusted today- but that's not why I sat down at my laptop with my giant cup of coffee allowing tears to stream down my face.
I want to talk about my family.
When I lost my mother 11 years ago, I remember one very specific thing that my sweet aunt said to me- it rings in my ears and sits on my shoulders and fills my heart on lonely days.
"I promised your mom that I wouldn't let you walk away from the family"
...promise kept.
That woman knew me well... she knows I spent my life running from uncomfortable situations.
After we lost her, I ran one last time.
Though not away from anything, I ran towards myself. I faced the scared emotional child and I began to love her.
Truthfully, my Aunt Brenda has always kept one hand on my shoulder... not letting me get too far away no matter where I live. She kept that promise and it has anchored me to this beautiful family that my Grandparents created.
Grandpa always said he didn't want a mournful funeral, he wanted joyful celebration.
We met him in the middle somewhere... we mourned.
It was HARD to say goodbye, he made every single one of us feel so special and important at times where many of us didn't feel important at all.... he found those of us who wandered and were lost, and he always had the perfect words to bring us back and never feel judged; but in those heartbreaking moments, we had each other. We SAW each other- it took a wife, child, grandchild of his, to understand how painful it was for us to let him go, how conflicted we felt that he was gone but also free of a disease that held him captive for far too long.
We had each other.
No, we HAVE each other.
I believe he orchestrated it all, he looked down and saw his family and smiled... he smiled because he knew we have each other. He knew that through understanding each other, we need each other, and the reconnection of generations of family may help heal the gap this loss has left our family.
I sat with my grandmother at the viewings, and listened to people share their connection with my grandfather and our family.
More than one person said the words "he was my friend, he was my brother, he was my mentor" and also "what a joy it is to feel as though you're a part of the Mucci family".
One by one they came, they wept, they shared stories and paid respects. What a man he was, what a difference he made in so many lives.
So, to my mother, and my grandfather- I hope you're smiling as the silly texts are flying back and forth, and the plans for future trips are made. I hope you know that you both live, alive in my heart through this family of ours.
It's a funny thing being part of the Mucci family, no matter where we all are, when we're together it always seems to feel like home.
