Only look back to see how far you've come

I read that somewhere one time. Never live in the past, only look back to see how far you've come... your past is behind you for a reason.

...and what a past it was...

As I look over my shoulder I see the reflection of a girl I once knew walking away almost out of view...
She was angry and fearful; hurt and betrayed. She looked in all the wrong places for momentary happiness or just an escape from reality for a while.
My life was real, and at times it was harsh.... and it wasn't until I met this girl at a music shop in Quincy that I found my laughter. I swear to this day in her own way she saved me,  reminding me that every moment in life can be great, you just have to make it great and appreciate the good even if it comes with not good. Twenty two years later she is still teaching me the same, to appreciate it all- the sunshine and the rain.

If you've taken time out of your life to read my blog you know I lost my mom just about 6 years ago; actually it will be 6 years exactly, 5 days after I marry the greatest man I have ever loved (aside from you dad). So sprinkle immense loss on top of a hard childhood and somewhere in my late twenties I almost came completely unraveled. Luckily that little girl who grew up in Boston is a crazy strong fighter and refuses to let me give up...
So I kept fighting for those happy moments, those moments where I could be grateful for just breathing... because sometimes its all I could do. Sometimes its still all I can do.
Breath is a strong way to center what's become askew.

Not quite a year ago, a storm hit the east coast, like no other storm I have ever seen in my wildest nightmares... and changed the course of my life, and Andrew's life as well.

Can you really ever prepare for a natural disaster?
I tried to liken it to dealing with the loss of my mother; after all, loss is loss and if there was something I had faced all my life, it was loss.
So we picked up, moved on.. moved back to where I grew up....where my memories linger and sometimes still sting.

In July of 2006 I was somewhere in far away New York, wandering around music festival grounds with an old friend, as I bumped into a new friend, who introduced me to someone who changed all my rules.
This was the day that I met Andrew.
Our first meeting relatively insignificant other than I thought his name was Anthony and that he was kinda cute. (sorry babe you know I'm bad with names.)
In the following 6 months our lives would weave in and out, at first by total accident when we bumped into each other, literally, in Western Massachusetts at another music event that he was playing. I still to this day remember the hug as we recognized each other, it threw me off my game and left him lingering in my head. I knew this was just the beginning to a new story in my life...though I had no friggen clue to what caliber.
Our seeing each other "randomly" became more frequent, and then a little "secret" (or so we tried to think). I would begin to take solo trips to NJ and we'd sneak away just to spend time together. Countless hours on the phone daily (6 years later we still never seem to run out of things to talk about).

The Universe is a crazy thing....

One day in August 2007 I got the call that mom had 6 months to live, about a week later, I was told she had weeks left. During a drive to NJ to watch Andrew play a show I got the call that she had maybe a day or two left. The decline was crazy fast and I needed to get to her ASAP.
Three days later she passed, and I was left in Pittsburgh...not quite sure how life had taken this heartbreaking turn.
I remember this Wednesday sitting in the office at my grandparent's house surfing the internet, and probably Myspace when I realized THE band, Juggling Suns, who had gotten me through some really hard times was playing, in Pittsburgh, that Friday. Thirteen hours away from my life, and Andrew was playing 15 minutes away.
Back then I saw it as a musical escape from a reality I was not ready to face... today I know it was fate, an intervention of the divine knowing exactly what I needed when I needed it.

(Forgive my jumping around, we are following my memories after all, and we all know I have the attention span of a gnat.)

As these memories fade and I face my future my heart is so warm and full of this Crazy Love.
For the first time in probably 20 years I am truly happy with open road ahead of me and my best friend beside me.
I'm not gonna lie, I have tears of excitement and joy each time I think about it.
                        I really got here... I found my way to actual happiness.

As a bride I am guilty of being over stressed, and worried.
Getting caught up in other people's tensions and issues.
Worrying about the details that we've so carefully planned and glued, and tied, and cut and written...
...but taking a peek back over my shoulder reminds me that that none of that matters, its all about the love and support that we share with each other.
This two person (ok 5 because lets be honest you all know I am crazy for our cats) family found me when I was more lost than I ever thought I could be.
In 9 days I will marry my best friend. The one I love most, laugh with the most, the one who makes me feel like I'm home though we haven't had one of our own for almost a year.

So keep your perspective, only look back to see how far you've come.

All about We

Its been forever, life hit a serious down and I'm working on the Up as we speak...so to speak. 
I don't want to share the down, I'm not through it, I'm still sifting through feelings, and uncovering painful emotions; Today I want to share the Ups! 

We all know that Andrew and I got engaged over a year ago on New Years Eve in front of so many people we love in a place we once felt was "home". What we don't all know is that some AMAZING people have taken the engagement plunge with us! There is so much love in the air it sometimes takes my breath away and most certainly gets me through the rougher days. 

My Jedi Counsil of women and I, we've been chatting up a storm over love, wedding planning, and the bajillion details and emotions that come along with it. Since I became a fiancé, the future wife of an amazing man my life has been filled with more love than I ever thought possible. If someone tells you that being engaged is the same as dating, they either aren't in love with the person they're engaged to, or they are flat out lying to your face. 

Being engaged is the BOMB. 

Its feeling a whole different kind of love. You have wandered through the haunted forest of each other's past, climbed the mountain of uncertainty together, you stood atop  staring into each other's eyes with a new respect and a greater love. Then you take each other's hands and plunge off the side of that mountain and enter this whole new realm of togetherness washing away the fears. 

There's something about being engaged that makes a man dig into that piece of the relationship that connects two people. That "knowing" piece where we don't have to direct them, where they just "feel" it and make us feel better. 
...and in turn you become even closer when that moment has passed and you realize that they gently held your hand and stood softly beside you making sure you knew you weren't alone without saying it. 

This is that feeling of love and togetherness that makes a woman really aware that the decision to love, honor, cherish, and spend the rest of her life with this one man, her best friend, was the best decision she ever made. 

I've watched friends get married, and I've watched their relationships take on this "team us" feeling. 

I LOVE that feeling!!! 

I love knowing that these girls -who are my whole world- are being taken care of by a man who loves them more than he can find words to tell; I love knowing their hearts are protected, and that each time he looks at her he sees the quirky beauty that makes him crazy for her and he falls all over again. 

Have I girled this up enough for you?? What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic! 

 I can't keep my eyes dry when the love of the two people in the center of that dance floor radiates out and engulfs each friend and family member who has cleared there schedule to be there to celebrate this crazy love. 

This world is crazy, your life and everything you own can be ripped out from underneath you, swallowed by an ocean (oh wait that's me LOL) but having your silent partner, your best friend other half person that you can't breathe without holding your hand.....suddenly its not so dark when all the lights have gone out. 

In Five Years Time...

It's funny to look back and reflect on how far you've come in a short period of time. 

Five years ago I lost a piece of my heart, someone I wish I could have saved from their own regrets and from an illness that our world still can't cure. 

In five years I have found relationships that have changed my world forever,  found the true meaning of friendship, and the most loyal and loving friends anyone could have. 

I also found the love of my life, a man who makes me strive to be a better woman, and a better partner. 

It's intense how one moment in time can alter the way you view things forever. 

It alters how you love, how you forget, and most importantly how you forgive.....yourself, for everything. 

Hold onto nothing but love, forgive every little fault, let go of unwanted hurt- why we hold hurt that we don't want, I will actually never know, but we do. 

Love deeply and endlessly, live passionately. 

Always work to live, NEVER live to work- for then monetary happiness rules your heart and suffocates your soul. 

I will think of her every day for the rest of my days, some days it will hurt, someways it will make me smile. I will take all of the good she taught me and pass it on wherever I go. She taught me loyalty, and to never give up on something or someone you love. This, I have always felt, is one of my strongest assets. 

Five years have passed and I still sometimes want to pick up the phone and call you, five years gone and I'm still in disbelief that something could take down the strongest woman I have ever known. 

Mom I will carry your strength as our legacy. 

In a year please hold my hand as my life and world change forever, for the better.... You would have loved him and been so very proud of the choices I have made, in five years time. 

From Bored Stiff, to Busy Bee, to Loving being ME!

Oh man it has certainly been a while since I've dug in and blogged. I've been stressed and blocked and worried and a thousand other emotions all mixed in together- all the while trying to enjoy being an engaged woman.
Life has certainly reminded me to stay on my toes.
Yowza.

If you're a reader you know I've been on the unemployed train for my full 99 weeks and then some- the checks from NJ ran out and I began to pick up gigs from amazing friends here and there, to supplement my income. I have been at the point where I call myself a professional interviewee - though I'm not sure how professional since not one has worked out....until today. But I'll get into that for a minute.

**teaser**

Its funny, when you're younger you think you'll reach a certain age, and you'll have learned it all.
HA!
Not. Even. Close.
I am 33 and I don't no sh*t about sh*t (Grandma, and family please excuse my terrible language but there's not a word that can convey my feelings quite like the above).

When I was 22 I knew everything, had the world by the preverbal balls and was marching into my future, strong, unwavering, and just the little determined Boston girl.
Here I am, 11 years later, and my career path has done a crazy turn, I have been forced to "survive" with very little and I have to say, I'm happier than I've ever been.

In the depths of my hopelessness over unreturned calls from interviews, I received a call that had nothing to do with my employment. It was my new friend who works for a bridal boutique in their photography department, Brandie. She happened to call on the wrong day- I was feeling super down and worried sick about my future- or was it the right day? In regards to me booking my photography with them, I ended up telling (this almost stranger) that I had been unemployed, the checks stopped and I was in a crap place. Her sweet little voice perked up and said "OMG come work here."

hmmm....

I do love me some bridal industry! I've been maid of honor 3 times, all 3 dresses were from the boutique. I'm great with people and have I mentioned I love the wedding industry!
Hope flourished through my veins.
We continued talking it over for a few minutes and she made it her mission to get me in there and find me a job that would supplement my income.

Now a little back story- I've been dying to get my foot in the door in some way to this wedding world. I love the romance, the happiness, I am good at defusing stress and bridezilla-ness. Could this be yet another possible path for my life?!

Speaking of paths, I have been down about a ba-jillion in the last two years trying to find a niche, a nook, a space for my talents to earn some money. I still love my Organizta, she's my baby- but in order to build her the way she needs to be built, I need some serious business classes, or even a degree. She's not gone but I don't have the cash to put into her right now- so Plan B needs to come into play.
I've thought about becoming a home stager for residential realtors.
Getting my license to be a financial broker. (intimidating!!!!)
A seller of amazing inspiring shirts made my my lovely friends at Live.Breathe.Grow.
Professional certified organizer
...and probably a ton of other things.

In an economy such as this, when administrative and processor jobs aren't readily available you really start to grasp at whatever is available to you. It can make you feel so desperate, but I have to say, I have the best support system in the world. My loving fiancé, and my amazing parents who never knock any crazy idea I've brought to them. They just tell me that I'd be great at it and let me work through it on my own. I also have this top notch network of women who are more supportive than I could ever ask for (((broadies))).
Even in the depths of my despair my life is full of love.

I am eternally grateful for that.

So I officially have my foot in the door in the wedding industry. I'm nervous but beyond excited. I know this is something that I can bring all of my skills to and even create an actual career. Something that my heart has longed for. Something my mother wanted for me more than anything, that I wasn't ever quite able to attain while she was here with me. This will be in a company where there's tons of room for growth- and areas where I can shine, rather than be stifled. Where I can be myself rather than try to pretend that I am someone who I am not.
I have never been great at being a corporate cut out- I am me. Raw, uncut, unpolished, wacky and lovable- I am me and I never want to feel like I need to be someone different. I love who I am, I enjoy my own personality, and I stand tall, happily in my own skin.

Off I go into the bridal world, and what perfect timing as I am also planning my own wedding! YEHAW!
I can't wait to network and meet brides and be immersed in a world of love and romance!

If you've made it this far, you are a devoted reader and I appreciate you more than you know. I'm elated to be moving forward and into a career where I can bloom.

Moral of my story, Plan B- its not just for the morning after ;) haha.

Realization, Reflection, Repeat

I feel lately, that ever since my 30th birthday my life has consisted of lots of self reflection. I've been digging into the "why's" of my actions, and even more so my REactions. As I get older, I am realizing why I've had the reactions I have had...and so it's been going.

Since I was a "therapy kid" starting at the ripe age of 12 (I owe some big thanks to my mom for giving me this tool at a young age) I am good at really digging into myself, and uncovering some brutal honesties, and only through seeing some ugly things about myself has it forced me to create change and manifest goodness.

I was forced into letting go of people I loved starting freshman year in college. Life happened, things were changing, people were growing apart, and moved on. This concept DEVASTATED me up until about a year or so ago, when I began throwing myself down a path of acceptance. Accepting that some people do not serve a good purpose in my life, no matter how deeply I care(d) for them. Don't get me wrong, I have fought myself tooth and nail, I have cried, I went through phases of deep rooted anger....and then came......acceptance. (Cue Angels singing and a huge beam of light dawning on my thick skull!)

After acceptance I looked back into my life and wondered why I held SO tightly to these people who were so willing to move on without me, and also why I held close to others that brought out the worst in me. Talk about some crazy unpleasant realizations about myself, my neediness, and my inability to allow myself to feel alone. (that last statement is about 30 hours worth of therapy, and something I could write a novel on)

Hmm...ok this is getting dark, lets talk about the amazingness of letting go and realizing that YOU (the collective) are worth SO much more!

After the tears dried, and the anger exhausted me to a place of complacence I was able to heal myself.

Yes. People!!! We can heal ourselves!!!! Humans are amazing beings like that! If you reflect, and grow, eventually healing takes place!!

Sure, to some its a simple concept, but when you are hurting and trying to not hurt, this is a HUGE DISCOVERY!

I realized that in the long run, those that were leaving my life, weren't really serving my life in a good way.

I was now the one changing.

I had the control over who could share in my energy. (the later is also a new concept for me that I am loving these days).

My dad likes to say "Tatum, don't let people rent space in your head, they sure ain't payin' for it... you are."

A wise Bostonian, a great father, one of my best friends throughout my life- how could I not grow stronger with such a great man in my corner! (love you daddy!)

Who are you sharing your energy with, and are they deserving of it??

At a wise age of 33 years old (heh) I am becoming a little picky of who gets to share in my life, in my joy, in my fears, and in my very sacred energy; and it is EMPOWERING. I look around to my amazing friends and each day I realize how much goodness they bring into my life.

There is so much love here that this only child feels like she has brothers and sisters. I have friends who have been mentors, sisters who have let me dissolve into tears, and brothers who only see that my intentions are truly based on goodness.

Who wants a friend who thinks the worst of you?!

We've all had them, and they seem to bring fear, stress, and insecurity into the relationship. That's not fair of them, nor is it being true to yourself to keep them around. Time to rethink that relationship and get to the root of the "why's" on both sides.

I'm not telling you to ditch your friends here, just urging reflection on how they affect your life.

As you grow, and learn, and reflect, and love, and realize....I urge you to be mindful of who you let "rent space in your head", and to think about what purpose it is serving you to take on certain energies.

We are amazing beings of love; but so very capable of strong hate. Choose to reflect and to realize, and cultivate change in yourself.....because you can!

I raise my coffee cup in love, to this brand new day!

lovelovelove

~tatum

Qualifications and judgements...ahhh the workin' world

I've been on the job hunt for a few months now, and I'm pretty sure I have applied to every single open position for an administrative roll between Central NJ and the Jersey Shore. Finally, last Thursday I got a promising call, then Friday I had one of the best interviews I've ever had. My weekend was full of hope and some major stress subsided, but I was a touch nervous about the second interview on Monday.

Monday came, the interview went really well, I thought I had this job in the BAG! Later that day I got a call about a 3rd interview on Tuesday, I actually wasn't nervous for this one.

Upon leaving the building after meeting with the 3rd person in this company I was told that I may not be a "great fit" for the position. Not going to lie, I was super devastated, I had to go back to square one and start ALL over again with no prospects, and only 4 weeks left on unemployment. Stress City. :(

I wonder why they made me jump through so many hoops, or why after two fabulous interviews where I was all but offered the position did the third person think that I wasn't a great fit. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I'm bitter and super frustrated. I was made to feel under qualified for a position that I was OVER qualified for.

Here's my hurdle that I've been trying to overcome- on paper, my qualifications are mediocre and sort of all over the place; in person I am more qualified for these positions that I've been tirelessly applying to.

I work hard. I learn quickly. I am eager to please people I work for and with. I have experience.

Alas, I am judged by that piece of paper and the fact that I was laid off almost 2 years ago.

Our country is in a very bad position in the working world- prices are going up, salaries are going down, people are desperate for work and doing anything they can to get by. Its fricken scary out there folks. I can't make someone love me right off the bat, or if they love my personality I can't convince them in an hour that I am perfectly qualified and able to do the job that I am interviewing for.

I'm being judged, and getting nowhere.

How frustrating.

I'm now applying to jobs that I am far overqualified for, hoping that by some glimmer of hope someone will snatch me up and I can prove myself all over again. Starting off where I did almost 8 years ago when I started my very first job in an office setting. So I guess that's my plan B - work as many jobs as I can to get by.

Not as fair as we'd like it to be, but we do what we can to get by.

Its very true that you need an "in" to get anywhere in the working world these days.

Good luck out there, its mayhem!

Workin' on plan C

Tatum ;)

Etiquettely Speaking- Wedding Rules??

Andrew and I have been engaged for 2 months and a few weeks now, and with my neurotic organization skills I'm sure you're thinking that I have it all planned out and we'll just
sit around and save money for the next year and a half... this is hardly the case!

Being the Tatum that I am, I've never been one to follow the rules, or be sure that old e

tiquette has been met. I'm sure my mom is pacing around up in heaven wondering what kind of crazy parade my wedding will be since she's not here to reign me in (not like she ever could haha).

Of course the first thing that Andrew and I talked about, as we laid in bed the night we got engaged was "who will be in our wedding party?" Clearly I've had a running list my whole life, and its been amended and added to and even one or two people subtracted as they have been removed from my life. About 2 hours later we realized we were about to have a 20 person wedding party.

Uh Ohhh!!!! The horror! How can you hav

e such a big party! Its sooooo unmanageable! (or so I kept hearing) ... so I took a silent poll from friends who have gotten married.

I asked around about wedding remorse and regret...some of it was offered to me without asking, and completely appreciated- of course I take it all with a grain of salt.

There were a few who had zero regrets- their wedding was the best ever!

Then there were some that listened to the "etiquette" books or even the etiquette police and looking back they're not sure why they didn't just do what they wanted in the first place.

So after my poll and lots of chatting with the ol' fiancé, we decided that a big party is exactly what we wanted and exactly what we're having. We have 9 bridesmaids and 9 groomsmen, and of course our sweet flower girl and ring bearer.

I'll be very honest here, looking back I found it silly to be nervous that we had "too many" people that we wanted to stand up with us. Each and every person in our wedding party has made a huge impact on our lives, they're important to us and we cherish those relationships- how could we have ANY of them just sitting in the audience?! No way!!! We are so grateful to have so many people who love us so much that they'd stand with us, as we take the biggest steps in our lives. What a life we must have lived to be so rich in love and relationships.

Whew! Step 1- wedding party complete!

Then came the most annoying part(so far)- picking the date. Weddings are COSTLY! Especially when you want to share it with your nearest and dearest 200 friends and family- and friends of family and family of friends...it actually makes my head spin when we add or subtract to and from the guest list. Oy!

My initial thought was sometime in 2014- a few years to get it all together and to be comfortable enough financially to do exactly what we want....that was MY initial thought, Andrew's wasn't on the same train. So after lots of thought and talking about seasons and locations we came up with 9/14/13. Thats a year, 9 months, and 14 days from when we got engaged. Ok, I can do almost 2 years....

"Two years! Good grief! That's so long! Don't you know you're only supposed to be engaged for a year!"

Who wrote these damned rules? I want to buy their book and hit them in the head with it.

I'm actually nervous that as of now I have 1 year, 6 months and a few weeks left to plan the biggest day of my life. Thankfully I have a fiancé that is almost as involved as I am.

Location location- breakin' all the rules!

I've been told that "the bride gets married where she grew up"......

hmm....

My first thought- GREAT I love Massachusetts! However, after more thought, it made no sense to me. Andrew and I fell in love in NJ, we moved into our first, and second place together here on the NJ Shore...I have a life here, we have a life here....what connection does he have to Massachusetts aside from hating the New England Patriots??

I didn't want to get married in a place where he felt disconnected. I wanted to get married where our life together started. Where we overcame so many things that you need to overcome in relationships. I wanted to get married on the beaches of the NJ shore where I moved almost 4 years ago so that I could grow into my own adult with no influence from my past.

I moved here to start new, to grow up and see if I could make a life no matter where I lived. You'll ask my friends and family from home and hear stories about me following a boy or a friend...but I know deep in my heart, after I lost my mom, I needed to get away and heal my broken heart. Was it convenient that Andrew was here?? Absolutely! He was a perk of the move, but most certainly not the motivation for it.

Is it annoying that my entire past has to travel here to watch me walk down the aisle?? Am I breaking all the rules?? Probably- but aren't destination weddings le chic??

So we'll get married where we live together, we'll have a huge wedding party, and I will spend the reception in sneakers where my soon to be husband will sit behind

his drum kit and play music to me while I dance with everyone I love...

It seems to me the only reason girls go bridezilla is because they've been smacked with the etiquette book too many times.

Break. All. The. Rules.

Its actually kind of fun.