Self Care and 40's

Last year I turned 40, which seemed like a silly joke, like "hey I'm 40, how the heck did this happen??"

This year I turned 41 and I am not laughing.
My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer at 45, and lost her battle at 50- so the years are looming and I live in fear of these numbers.
I am SO not laughing.

I had a very hard winter, I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with panic disorder and severe anxiety. I thought that I would never feel like me again.
Fear had taken over, and that fearless girl who had always lived inside me seemed to slip away.
I may have been diagnosed last winter but I have been living with severe anxiety and panic for a number of years, to the point that I stopped driving.
I still don't drive, but that is a personal goal this year. We'll see how that goes.

I have been disappointed in myself for a long time, letting fear take over and rule how I live my life... this was certainly not how I was raised by 3 of the strongest people I have ever known. I had lost my independence. Life was dark, and all I could do was reach out to my rocks for the support that I couldn't give myself.
...and let me tell you, those rocks, those wonderfully unconditionally loving human beings saved me over and over and over, and still do every day. I am so lucky.

So, once diagnosed, I started on a path to find myself again. Which is what I think the meaning of life is, finding yourself over and over, because we really don't ever stay the same through all of life's ups and downs, do we?
I made a promise to myself this year, in 2020 that I would take care of myself the way I take care of those that I love. It's not something I am good at, taking care of me- I'm needy, I have some heavy baggage stuffed full of trauma and most of it (almost all of it) I prefer not to remember. However, my mind, and body have had enough of my avoidance so here I am...spilling my findings into this silly little blog that is always here when I need it.

Truth- I NEVER knew how important self care was. Like ever. So here I am teaching myself that life isn't about work and housework, and running yourself into the ground tired with "To Do lists".
I believe my anxiety is at her most active when I am idle, so I list all the things that I "should" do and I just do...until I fall asleep.
Yesterday I tossed the "to do's" aside and packed a little cooler for Andrew and I to spend a few hours at our pool. It was DELIGHTFUL. I laid in the sun (with 50 sunscreen and a hat) and read, I sat in the pool and let the warmth wash over me, while the water lapped at my exhausted body. Then I made dinner and we watched a movie.
Self Care:sometimes it means a day of things that bring you joy.

Today I got up, had my tea (apparently panic disorder and coffee doesn't mix, yeah I feel bad for me too) and made the decision to go down to the gym.
Now let me be clear, I could count on 1 hand how many times that I have been to the gym in the last 10 years. I am not a gym girl. I am a "housework is my therapy" girl. But something in my mind said "you need this, you're 41 and we aren't bouncing back like we used to" so I did it.
I wasn't there long, but I was there.
I showed up for myself and that's also not something that I normally do...but its now something that I will continue to do because I am worth caring for.

To The Boy Who Saved Me

I write a lot about my past, my pain, my growth and lots of random things between, yet don’t think I have taken a minute to write about the boy who saved my life.

It was the summer of 2006 when I met the guy of my dreams, I just didn’t know it yet. 

We had a quick introduction at a music festival, then I skipped off on my merry little way and didn’t think about it again until we ran into each other the following winter at an indoor music event in Western Mass. I can still remember the electricity....really though, I had no idea.

Our paths crossed many times in the following months, and each time I was more drawn to him. His energy, his smile.... his unbearable sarcastic sense of humor, and obviously his music.

In the midst of all the criss crossing we’d become close friends-phone calls, texting, myspace posts (you heard me, I'm old shut up)

....we had become so close that when my mom took a turn for the worst, he was my rock when I thought I would float away on my tears of grief. 

Stonehenge 2007

There’s something so pure and beautiful about a relationship that begins on a bedrock of friendship. I knew, long before I should have known, that I was hopeless for him. 

He was my friend. 

My trusted sounding board. 

A source of laughter and distraction when I needed it most. 

I should stop talking about all these emotions as though they’re in the past because he, to this day, is still all of those things, and so very much more. 

Most little girls dream about marrying their prince, I always dreamed about marrying my best friend.... and I did in 2013 on the most gorgeous day.

Life has thrown, well, basically everything at us. 

We lost our home, lived with both sets of our parents, then moved away from everyone and everything we ever knew, and started from scratch.... what made it bearable is that we did it together. 

I am stronger because of you.

I’m HAPPIER because of you.

I survived some incredibly hard times, because of you.

So happy birthday, my love. 

I am more thankful every single day, for you.

-Team Us-

Xoxo

Part of the Family

I spent the weekend, the long weekend, with my Mucci side of the family last week. We all got together, all million of us from all sides of the family.

We said goodbye to the greatest man any of us had ever had the pleasure of loving.
My grandfather.


I am an especially emotional person, always have been.
I feel deeply, I love deeply, I hurt deeply, and on top of my own feelings I am an empathizer to a fault- pile on everyone else's feelings and I am a mini basket case of raw emotion on a good day;
so when we said goodbye to the man who made the world make sense, I struggled.
I am still struggling.
I can honestly say I have wept every single day since I got the news that he had been freed from his mortal prison of Parkinson's.

I could write a book on my childhood, and why my grandfather is one of the reasons that I am still here, alive, and almost well adjusted today- but that's not why I sat down at my laptop with my giant cup of coffee allowing tears to stream down my face.

I want to talk about my family.

When I lost my mother 11 years ago, I remember one very specific thing that my sweet aunt said to me- it rings in my ears and sits on my shoulders and fills my heart on lonely days.
"I promised your mom that I wouldn't let you walk away from the family"
...promise kept.

That woman knew me well... she knows I spent my life running from uncomfortable situations.

After we lost her, I ran one last time.
Though not away from anything, I ran towards myself. I faced the scared emotional child and I began to love her.
Truthfully, my Aunt Brenda has always kept one hand on my shoulder... not letting me get too far away no matter where I live. She kept that promise and it has anchored me to this beautiful family that my Grandparents created.

Grandpa always said he didn't want a mournful funeral, he wanted joyful celebration.
We met him in the middle somewhere... we mourned.
It was HARD to say goodbye, he made every single one of us feel so special and important at times where many of us didn't feel important at all.... he found those of us who wandered and were lost, and he always had the perfect words to bring us back and never feel judged; but in those heartbreaking moments, we had each other. We SAW each other- it took a wife, child, grandchild of his, to understand how painful it was for us to let him go, how conflicted we felt that he was gone but also free of a disease that held him captive for far too long.

We had each other.

No, we  HAVE each other.


I believe he orchestrated it all, he looked down and saw his family and smiled... he smiled because he knew we have each other. He knew that through understanding each other, we need each other, and the reconnection of generations of family may help heal the gap this loss has left our family.


I sat with my grandmother at the viewings, and listened to people share their connection with my grandfather and our family.
More than one person said the words "he was my friend, he was my brother, he was my mentor" and also "what a joy it is to feel as though you're a part of the Mucci family".
One by one they came, they wept, they shared stories and paid respects. What a man he was, what a difference he made in so many lives.

So, to my mother, and my grandfather- I hope you're smiling as the silly texts are flying back and forth, and the plans for future trips are made. I hope you know that you both live, alive in my heart through this family of ours.

It's a funny thing being part of the Mucci family, no matter where we all are, when we're together it always seems to feel like home.

If you were here

I wonder, all the time, where I would be if you were still here.
Would I have run so far?
Would I have grown this much?
Would I have felt the same pain, and joy, and tasted life's bittersweet chocolate?

Would you have protected me, or held me back?
It was always so complicated, the lines of adulthood blurred for so many decades, the struggle for dominance, never clear.

You let me fly, only when you knew you may not be there, should I stay.
You wanted to prepared me for this life without you keeping me in line, reminding me... humility....

...and here I am, on your 61st birthday just wondering how different it all would have been.
Would it have been us against the world, instead of us against each other? We were so close to being there before the empire fell.
Maybe the universe wasn't ready for that amount of strength and power that we collectively held.

Still today I wonder, wonder where the road would have lead us, and would I feel so sad...
...yet so free.

Army of Souls

There’s an ever growing army of angels watching over us, they’ve left a community of broken hearts and healing souls in their wake.

In my mind they are together, planning our successes, removing the obstacles of danger, and cheering us on, every step of the way. 

They’re our mentors, our silent leaders who nudge us down the path of happiness and love. 

They’re the silent voices in our minds whispering words of caution and wisdom and encouragement as we navigate through a life without them here, in the flesh.

There’s a growing group of strong willed earth movers down here- we have found the same missing pieces in each other, understanding without words what it feels like to painfully know that life goes on, no matter what. 

And we go on- day after day, smile after smile, tear after tear.... 

only slowing down life once or twice a year to fully remember, mourn, and miss those angels who brought us to this very moment in time. 

Drinking to their legacy, holding onto each memory, making sure not even one slips away.

Be with us, don’t let us forget, guide us and know that we are who we are, as strong as we are because you raised us.

There’s an ever growing army of angels, proudly watching over the lives they cherish below.  

I Need Yoga.

Like some people need some Jesus, I need yoga. (actually, I could probably use a little Jesus too at this point)

The past few months of my life have been an absolute whirlwind... like "did Thanksgiving actually happen or did I dream it?" kind of whirlwind.

New job, new schedule, new... life really. I've been absorbing lots of new to me knowledge, and trying like mad to tread water during this holiday season in my very new position- all while trying to be really good right away, with the grace of someone who knows what they're doing.... and these past few weeks, I just feel like I am failing at it.

I am off balance and I can not for the life of me locate my center. Most of this is likely due to the holidays being a difficult time for me (and any other human who has lost a parent/child/loved one), but another piece of this is that I am just struggling to find my footing in this new life that I have purposefully cultivated for myself.

I need some yoga.
Some deep breathing, stretch until you sob into your hip opening pose, yoga.
(oh Terra how my soul misses your Karma Wednesday night classes)

There's very little harder in life, than trying to balance the universe on the top of your head while you are left of center with yourself.

A few weeks back I had the most Monday, Sunday of my life. I walked into work ready to take the day by storm and promptly dumped lots of greasy marinara all over myself and the floor of my walk-in 5 minutes before our doors opened for the day.

My instinct was to berate myself "Awesome, this is where we're starting today, is it? Fanfrickentastic."
Instead of being gentle on myself, cutting slack and taking a breath to understand that sometimes I am just one little chick who can't juggle it all perfectly.

Since then I haven't been able to shake my instability....the insecurity from all the newness in my world. I find myself with a shorter fuse,  with raw thread bare and sensitive feelings. This is not my favorite version of me, but here I am feeling it all deeply and taking it all on.
This is the version of myself that is soon to either run, or shed her skin and grow. And, since I am no longer a single twenty something, running is in my past so looks like its dig in and shed that skin time.

December is not the time to skimp on self care, so its time to pull up my big girl stretchies and if nothing else find myself on the mat in the dim lights of my Christmas tree.

Dear Santa, I'm trying to be good- I promise.

The Awakening Soul

...And all of the sudden, your eyes flutter open, the images in your world sharpen, sounds come into focus, and you realize you have awoken... 

you've arrived to the wide awake happiness your soul was quietly searching for. 

Somehow, for years, you've been wandering through life in a foggy slumber, 

letting muscle memory lead you through your day to day, without realizing you're not exactly alive, 

not exactly dead.... 

you're just existing to exist allowing the brightest parts of you to be dusted over with silent discontent. 

The enemy lies in the darkest parts of our minds- we call him many things…

Comfort, Contentment to name a few…. 

...and don't always realize when he has lulled our fire into its deepest slumber 

only to be awakened by the bright spark of change. 

You stand in the sunlit room, beaming light and fire out into the universe, 

pulling off the cobwebs of living in the past burning them into particles of stardust with your passion for the unknown…the precipice of growth underfoot urging you to jump, to fly, to soar and conquer the beautiful world hanging at your fingertips. 

Stretching your wings you confidently nosedive into the brightly colored future, 

lighting your path with merely the love in your heart, 

there’s nothing between you and your wildest dreams now- 

they’re all yours for the taking. 

Own this future, love this world, 

let the passionate fire burning brightly within your soul light up the darkest nights- 

you’ve arrived to your next destination.