I Am. I Was. I Want To Be.

I am in my late thirties. I choke on that every single time I speak or write it. 

I don't feel late thirty, two years and three weeks from forty… 

Living in a one bedroom apartment with an epic view of the Golden Gate Bridge from my 64 inch living room window. 

I don't feel like my thirties are almost over, I feel like I should have more time. 

Time to explore, time to dance until the sun comes up, time to drive up and down the pacific coast highway breathing in the scent of the ocean air. 

I feel like there should be more time….. I need like 5 more years in my thirties. 

I am 3 weeks away from 38 years old. How did that happen?

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I am a writer, a dreamer, a road tripper, a runner (metaphorically speaking), a fighter for all equal rights… 

I am a loud foul mouthed opinionated east coast progressive female who -will never truly let a man take care of her. Thankfully my marriage is as progressive as my soul.

I am a live music loving, tree hugging, composting, local buying, Mother Earth supporting woman who is outraged at what is happening in our world, in our very own country.

I am someone who will not be silenced for anyone, if I believe in it, I will fight for it. My mother taught me that- I wear those life lessons as badges in her memory knowing she would fight along side me just as loud, just as foul mouthed, just as passionate.

I am an unconditional loving friend to everyone who has touched me, loved me, accepted me for who I am in all my handfuls of high maintenance Boston Broad glory.

I am a Boston born and raised, Jersey Strong, San Franciscan open-minded passionate thinker, reader, activist.

I silently fear the unknown, yet yearn to take the leaps into it- I am the hesitant adventurer.

I thirst for knowledge, but hate school. I want to teach myself in the classroom of life, without desks, without deadlines, or structure. 

I am organized chaos.

I meditate on ocean shores, I feel my blood pump to the tides and it quiets my mind. I do yoga alone in my bedroom, I read the Bhagavad Gita to feed my soul. I put my bare feet on the earth to center myself and reduce anxiety, to calm panic. 

I am a spiritual being.

I like to dive into a world of make believe and fantasy, I believe in magic and that someday I will unlock and tap into my abilities that will change the world, that will help save the world. 

I am stardust.

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I used to be fearless, I acted without inhibition, I made choices that set my life back years at a time. I jumped before I thought things through- I ran when life got real… I shirked responsibilities. 

I was immature and unprepared.

I was a rebel without a cause, without reason. I hurt deeply on the inside, which made me cut others deep on the outside. I wore a mask of security, while inside I was an open wound of insecurity…I was careless with other’s feelings. 

I was raw adolescence.

I fell in love deep and hard without protecting myself. I attached quickly, immersed myself in another’s life fully, and put my needs and self respect last. 

I was a foolish heart.

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I want to be the the little force that feeds progressive change. I want to join my voice for causes that grant freedoms that some people have never known. I want to shed my middle class white skin, and let my heart lead the troops to victory. 

I want to be Political Change.

I want to plant, to get my hands filthy- I want to learn how the sun and rain affect life. I want to raise beauty and talk the seeds into food. I want to nourish, and grow and learn from each season. 

I want to be sustainable.

I want to nurture, I want to feed with home cooking- I want anyone who leaves my house to feel like they have left home. I want to be the warm hearth that helps others heal, I want to dry their tears and feed their souls, and send them feeling more loved than when they came into my home. 

I want to be the mother to all who needs her.

I want to donate my time, my love, my hands. I want to make others want to donate their lives and hearts. I want to search for the causes in need, I want to fund those causes so they succeed in protecting, helping, sheltering those in need

I want to be not for profit.

I want to publish my words. I want to spread a message that touches people. To tell a story that means something, that awakens someone from their deep slumber and pushes them to positive change. I want to share it all, real, raw, and magical. 

I want to write books that mean something.