ADH, and what’s to come …

 I just wanted this to be over…. 

I’ve said that a lot in the past week, I am feeling it deep in my core, yet I can’t will it to be true.

My results came back, and the news wasn’t terrible (so they tell me) but in my overworked brain, the news also isn’t great. 

I have what are called ADH cells in my right breast. They aren’t cancer, yet but generally they turn into cancer if not detected right away. 

Freaking awesome. 

Get these things out of me. 

Like NOW.

Why is there so much waiting around a disease that takes two lives each minute in the US?? You would think things would move at warp speed. 

Ok let me backtrack and gather the science before my run away train brain leaves the station and ends up stressing us all out more. 

Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia cells are associated with an increased risk for breast cancer and therefore classified as high risk lesion but not precursor lesion. 

So again, not breast cancer, yet… but if left undetected/untreated that is likely the outcome of cells of this type. 

I have a consultation with a surgeon for next steps in a week. Within these two weeks I have been and likely will continue going round and round emotionally and mentally preparing for the worst. 

But hey, a boob job down the road might be nice since age and gravity are not cooperating members of my age bracket.

Prepping for worst case scenarios is my survival mode, always has been. As long as I am prepared for the devastating outcomes, when they don’t happen I’m pleasantly surprised lol. 

Self torture with a side of mellow drama please.

Yes I am mentally prepping to remove parts of my body that may, long term, try to kill me; or at the very least make me incredibly sick.

I’ve seen it in real time, I know the cost associated with this unnatural disease. If I am being honest I swore I would never go through treatment knowing what I know, living through what I lived through. 

See- runaway train pulling out of the station at high speed.

Deeeep breaths. 

We aren’t there. 

I also have an appointment for the BRCA genetic testing that I have been putting off for 17 years (straight out of fear of the results) but now it seems like my age, genetics, hormones, and life are shoving me through that doorway fear or not. 

I am brave. I am brave. I am brave.

To all the women in my life: my strong, beautiful, bold, independent, loving, nurturing and all the other incredible things that you are- PLEASE put your health first. PUT OFF NOTHING.

Get the mammograms, the biopsies, the genetic testing… our bodies seem to work against us (along with the patriarchy- how fun!) and we need to be our own advocates just as we are the loud advocates for our loved ones.

I wanted this to be over, but it’s not.

 It feels like I have a road ahead of me that I knew would eventually walk. Not sure how graceful I feel, but I am clenching the good news part of this journey in my hot little fist with all my strength, leaning on my people, venting to the ears who will listen and eyes who will read as things unfold.