More…

Where to begin…

Laying out the facts or spilling the feelings and emotions that are vibrating beneath my surface….

Maybe a little of both here. 

Some facts:

I’m having a second surgical biopsy Tuesday on my left breast. 

Once results are back, I will have surgery to remove the pre-cancerous ADH cells. No this isn’t a mastectomy, it’ll be a cube of tissue surrounding the ADH cells along with them, that gets cut out and sent to pathology. 

Pathology does their thing, the hope is that the surrounding tissue of the ADH cells is clear, and not cancerous. If that is the result, I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled screenings and MRI’s.

If the tissue around the ADH cells is cancerous, then that’s a new discussion and a new plan. One that I am truly not ready for. 

So I’ll be honest, I am absorbing only what I can emotionally manage right now. My cancer PTSD is buzzing under my skin threatening to surface and break me. 

I won’t break though. I have this weird sense that I would know in my soul if something was to that point.

Or….I'm in full denial and this is how I’m coping. 😂

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe, this feels so big.

Sometimes I feel silly for feeling such big feelings when it’s not actually cancer.

I’m not sure how to allow myself to fully sink into that worry, when women are literally battling for their lives with real cancer, dying from actual cancer. Not a form of pre-cancerous cells that have been caught early enough to not threaten my life… yet. 

I’m a ping pong ball of rational and irrationality. Sometimes it’s by day, sometimes it’s by minute. 

I’ve become slightly obsessed with plants, they take my mind off things - they give me something to fuss over, something to learn about and nurture. Watching something grow before your eyes, and helping it thrive is a lovely feeling in a world that feels like complete and utter chaos.

To the ones who keep me upright, where would I be without you? I truly have no idea. My love and gratitude for the support is endless.