Updates & Gratitude

 It’s been quite a year and now we are at the halfway mark… 

Time is a thief.

I have had some massive successes and some equally terrifying smacks with reality. I guess that’s really life though. 

The successes- January I took my weight health into my own hands and as of today I am down 67lbs. This is a number I never thought I could achieve, a body I thought had long forgotten who she was… and slowly (and quickly) we are finding each other again.

Through Covid and after I had some really hard emotional setbacks in life. I lost some dear family members, and my sweet Delilah Jones who had been my furry soul mate for 18 years. Unlucky for me, I have always been an emotional eater and with all the trauma and loss things quickly spiraled out of control. I had put too much weight on my small body frame and my knees and back were really paying the price. I knew in my heart if I didn’t take drastic action, I was heading down a road that would affect my health in a really negative way. 

6 months post op, I feel incredible. I have days where I do much better than others, but in general I have quite literally taken my life back. I have never been so grateful to have found my fearlessness again. 

This was not an easy road. It’s still not an easy road, but man it’s WORTH it. 

I am worth it. 

Scary set backs- irregular mammograms in my world are terrifying. Especially at my current age, the exact age that my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. 

After 3 unpleasant stereo biopsies, I now know I will have surgery on the right breast to remove a cube of tissue that includes pre-cancerous cells. 

This journey by far has been the most taxing on my mental and emotional state. I have been digging deep into every ounce of what I’ve learned through my therapy sessions to ground myself and not let my mind spiral out of control. I will NOT die at 50. I will not repeat the cycle.

The good news is that this is very early on, and best case scenario for a high risk patient with my familial history. Something I repeat to myself a lot. lol 

What this year has done for me is force me to slow down, live in the moments, and enjoy every minute of sunshine, flowers, snuggling with my cats, spending time with loved ones, making time for myself (which is usually digging into my TBR list - like grandfather like granddaughter 😂) 

It’s reminded me of how resilient we are as humans, and that we can make the decision to not break. We can choose to dig deep and be stronger than we knew we were capable of. 

So while there have been moments that I’m hanging on by a thin piece of worn thread, there have also been moments where I’m standing atop the mountain looking out ahead to this beautiful life, and not back to the scary climb. 

Bring on the rest of the year, 

Happy June and HAPPY PRIDE. 

More…

Where to begin…

Laying out the facts or spilling the feelings and emotions that are vibrating beneath my surface….

Maybe a little of both here. 

Some facts:

I’m having a second surgical biopsy Tuesday on my left breast. 

Once results are back, I will have surgery to remove the pre-cancerous ADH cells. No this isn’t a mastectomy, it’ll be a cube of tissue surrounding the ADH cells along with them, that gets cut out and sent to pathology. 

Pathology does their thing, the hope is that the surrounding tissue of the ADH cells is clear, and not cancerous. If that is the result, I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled screenings and MRI’s.

If the tissue around the ADH cells is cancerous, then that’s a new discussion and a new plan. One that I am truly not ready for. 

So I’ll be honest, I am absorbing only what I can emotionally manage right now. My cancer PTSD is buzzing under my skin threatening to surface and break me. 

I won’t break though. I have this weird sense that I would know in my soul if something was to that point.

Or….I'm in full denial and this is how I’m coping. 😂

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe, this feels so big.

Sometimes I feel silly for feeling such big feelings when it’s not actually cancer.

I’m not sure how to allow myself to fully sink into that worry, when women are literally battling for their lives with real cancer, dying from actual cancer. Not a form of pre-cancerous cells that have been caught early enough to not threaten my life… yet. 

I’m a ping pong ball of rational and irrationality. Sometimes it’s by day, sometimes it’s by minute. 

I’ve become slightly obsessed with plants, they take my mind off things - they give me something to fuss over, something to learn about and nurture. Watching something grow before your eyes, and helping it thrive is a lovely feeling in a world that feels like complete and utter chaos.

To the ones who keep me upright, where would I be without you? I truly have no idea. My love and gratitude for the support is endless. 

Be With Me

 To all my angels who watch over me, be with me today.

To the generations of spirits who walk the immortal path by my side, hold my hand through this. 

The anticipation and unknown maybe my undoing. 

I am facing this with every ounce of strength that my little body holds, encompassing all the bravery I have watched each one of you exhibit in the worst of times emanating from my soul.

I have spent a month keeping my brain and worry in check. Working overtime to create more space for the rational side to shine through with her checks and balances and spreadsheets and research. 

Outward I am the portrait of positivity and calm, inside I am messy, and worried, and trying to not play worst case scenarios on a loop.

I had a front row seat to this in my twenties, and I’m not looking to revisit that trauma especially in the first person. 

To my mom who battled this all, non stop for half a decade- be my strength.

To my uncle who faced everything facts first with wit and humor, be my rational joy.

To my grandpa who survived in a failing body for years and years with a mind sharp as knife, please be my wisdom.

If there is a way to reach between time and space may we find that magic today, so you can be with me. ♥️

ADH, and what’s to come …

 I just wanted this to be over…. 

I’ve said that a lot in the past week, I am feeling it deep in my core, yet I can’t will it to be true.

My results came back, and the news wasn’t terrible (so they tell me) but in my overworked brain, the news also isn’t great. 

I have what are called ADH cells in my right breast. They aren’t cancer, yet but generally they turn into cancer if not detected right away. 

Freaking awesome. 

Get these things out of me. 

Like NOW.

Why is there so much waiting around a disease that takes two lives each minute in the US?? You would think things would move at warp speed. 

Ok let me backtrack and gather the science before my run away train brain leaves the station and ends up stressing us all out more. 

Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia cells are associated with an increased risk for breast cancer and therefore classified as high risk lesion but not precursor lesion. 

So again, not breast cancer, yet… but if left undetected/untreated that is likely the outcome of cells of this type. 

I have a consultation with a surgeon for next steps in a week. Within these two weeks I have been and likely will continue going round and round emotionally and mentally preparing for the worst. 

But hey, a boob job down the road might be nice since age and gravity are not cooperating members of my age bracket.

Prepping for worst case scenarios is my survival mode, always has been. As long as I am prepared for the devastating outcomes, when they don’t happen I’m pleasantly surprised lol. 

Self torture with a side of mellow drama please.

Yes I am mentally prepping to remove parts of my body that may, long term, try to kill me; or at the very least make me incredibly sick.

I’ve seen it in real time, I know the cost associated with this unnatural disease. If I am being honest I swore I would never go through treatment knowing what I know, living through what I lived through. 

See- runaway train pulling out of the station at high speed.

Deeeep breaths. 

We aren’t there. 

I also have an appointment for the BRCA genetic testing that I have been putting off for 17 years (straight out of fear of the results) but now it seems like my age, genetics, hormones, and life are shoving me through that doorway fear or not. 

I am brave. I am brave. I am brave.

To all the women in my life: my strong, beautiful, bold, independent, loving, nurturing and all the other incredible things that you are- PLEASE put your health first. PUT OFF NOTHING.

Get the mammograms, the biopsies, the genetic testing… our bodies seem to work against us (along with the patriarchy- how fun!) and we need to be our own advocates just as we are the loud advocates for our loved ones.

I wanted this to be over, but it’s not.

 It feels like I have a road ahead of me that I knew would eventually walk. Not sure how graceful I feel, but I am clenching the good news part of this journey in my hot little fist with all my strength, leaning on my people, venting to the ears who will listen and eyes who will read as things unfold.

Promises Kept

 I made the decision last summer to devote myself to… myself.

To my health. Mental and physical. 

Like everyone I have trauma and loss, and at 45 these things have piled up and I refuse to let them swallow me whole. 

So I made a promise to myself to take an active part in healing my mental and physical health. It’s funny, I feel like while I’m wildly independent, I have been a passenger in my own life for decades. Letting what happens define me, mold me, teach me… but I haven’t been the leader here, I’ve been the follower of my circumstances.

In January I had surgery.

 I took my unfortunate genetics into my own hands after battling my weight for most of my adolescent and adult life. It was the best decision I have ever made for myself.

 I showed up for me. 

 I fought for me. 

And 3 months later I feel more me than I think I have in 25 years. 

Go me. 

Early April I went in for my yearly Mammogram. If you know me personally, you know my mom lost her battle to breast cancer at 50 years old after a long hard fought 5 years. What that means in the breast cancer world is that I am high risk and have been getting yearly mammograms since I was 36. So basically I’m a pro at this point.

I got the call back- “we see some irregular calcifications, we want more imaging” 

Crap. 

No, ok… I got this. Fear of this day will not eat me alive. I’m strong, brave, and fearless (mostly). 

I went in for my second imaging. After approximately one million images the doctor came in. “I’m recommending a biopsy. You’re high risk and we don’t want to take chances. I’m also referring you to the Breast Cancer Center for all future imaging as well as yearly MRI’s” 

Brave.

Fearless.

I will not break over this. 

Yesterday I went in for a biopsy which was very far from what I had anticipated it would be.

Emotionally, it was traumatic. And this is not the fault of the incredible women who took care of me all morning, because they were kind and gentle and talked me through every single step. It actually didn’t even hurt that much. 

The trauma lies with my past, and it keeps threatening to take me down. 

After all the collections were done in both sites on one side, they patched me up, glued me together, and said 3-4 business days I would have results.

So here I sit in these emotions…

Not feeling brave or fearless… but trying like hell to cling to the stubbornness that runs through my familial veins. 

I have no idea what is going to happen, which is my least favorite place to be. I’m a control freak, I have plans A-Z lined up for every facet of my life. I don’t like to live in the unknown, does anyone?? 

Thankfully through the last year with my incredible therapist, I have worked on sitting with things. We’re breaking down my advanced compartmentalization way of not coping, and teaching me to feel things as they come. I’ll be honest, this isn’t my favorite thing to do. I have more important things in life to spend my time thinking about, right? 

No. 

I made a promise to myself. 

Mental and physical health, we face each thing as they come. 

No more boxes filled with trauma that threaten to burst open when more than one thing hits me at once reminding me of a past that tried to eat me alive. No more secret closets with my true feelings and emotions packed away, waiting for the right time.

Nervous.

Anxious.

But still brave… and waiting. 

Who knew self devotion could be so hard? 

Here’s to driving my own bus, and not being a passenger in this life. Tomorrow is never promised, make today beautiful. 

44 - A Letter to Myself

 44, huh… 

It’s been a pretty incredible life so far. Some of the most beautiful highs that a life has to offer, and some of the hardest lows that I pray I never have to see again.

This last year though, shoot, the last 4 years if I am being honest, those have left some marks. Some emotional scars that I am still healing from; that I’m trying to mold into the smirks and room lighting smiles that I hold close to my heart, into love.

But first, let me thank you for fighting you way out and being an amazing advocate for your own mental health. Giiiiirl, those signs are hard to see and those steps are steep to climb, but you did. You SO did, and here we are today, more ourself than maybe we ever have been. (A special thank you to my rocks, actually you’re more like boulders who supported me to taking those steps)

Maybe that’s why a lot of the last two years have hurt so deeply; you finally learned to not run from your pain, the grief that used to swallow you whole. You dug your feet deep into the sand and stayed to face storm after storm. 

So today is deep breath day. Deep, thankful, cleansing rebirth, breath day where we slowly breathe out all of that hurt, and breathe in every single memory that keeps us warm and makes us smile.

44, and this is the year! 

Soon we will be basking in the velvet seas of Mexico, sharing in beautiful groove after groove, smiling until our face hurts.

Then off to Italy, the YOLO trip of a lifetime. (Seriously do not wake me from that simulation)

If 19 year old Tatum knew what open possibilities there were for her in this world, she may have been a little less angry, less bitter. I’m grateful for 30 year old Tatum who helped smooth those splintered corners and harsh surfaces, thankful for 40 year old Tatum who told us all to get our sh!t together because we know more than most, just how fleeting life is.

I look back, and I recognize every decade of my self. I remember every growing pain and every sweet lush grassy field on the other side of it and I do not plan on stopping.

So lady, here’s to 44. May she teach you the grace we are going to need when 44 becomes 50.

To all of you in my life, some near, but mostly far, my life is full and beautiful because you are in it. These experiences I have had, have never been alone; you have never let me feel alone. Not much gets better than that. 

So feel free to celebrate my birthday today, smile at a stranger, check in on a loved one, adopt an elderly cat, send random things in the mail to someone you miss(my go to move lol) - and thank you for being part of my world. 

Untitled Grief

 I have been watching my best friend die for the better part of the last year and a half. Watching her grow painfully thin, noticing her sleeping more, playing less and age greatly in front of my eyes.

My four legged sidekick of the past 18 years has hyperthyroidism, the medication that we give her for it, has given her renal disease and is destroying her kidneys.

I’m fighting a wildfire with lighter fluid and most days I don’t know what I’m even doing. 

Delilah Jones came into my life at a peculiar time. I was in my twenties, living in NH with two cats and not looking for a 3rd.

This runt of the litter found me, burrowed into my heart, connected her life force to my soul, and we never looked back. 

She was born in NH, lived in several towns in Mass, two towns (3 homes) in NJ, rode in a tiny little VW Golf all the way from Boston to San Francisco and continued her 9 lives in the city of Neverland for 5 years, to San Jose, then after an excruciating 9 hours in the VW Tiguan she lived a short stint in La Jolla to finally what we assume her final resting place is in our little home by the ocean in San Diego.

My little soul mate has not only traveled everywhere with me, but has lived through the absolute most difficult times of my life. 

   She also has been there for the most joyfully abundant and full of love times that I have experienced. 

Somewhere along our path she met Andrew, and for some reason she connected to him quickly. I’m not sure if she sensed my own feelings or just knew how special he is- but every time he would walk down into my room she would greet him, on my ugly pink office chair from ikea, perched up on her hind legs meowing for his attention (I feel that girlfriend) waiting for him to scratch her forehead and give her love.

This continued on until they became roommates and he was the 3rd wheel in our cozy bed. 

Later it evolved into her taking his meetings sitting on his shoulders licking his head as his coworkers tried to keep a straight face.

My girl always has always been the little attention lover.

We watch her sleep a lot these days.

A lot.

And while I watch her, I spend my quiet moments remembering her quirks, her loud raspy meows that we don’t hear much anymore….. how she loved to be snuggled but you got the 4 paw stiff arm if you picked her up. 

Her terms only…. I feel that too, love. 

The strong will to set boundaries, but also be open hearted.

Man that just defines my girl.

In 2013 I married my best friend, but my soul mate has 4 paws, brown fur, white paws, and the most gorgeous green eyes I have ever wandered into. 

I’m not sure if these ramblings are a tribute, grief… 

if it’s the words to the tears that fall down my face daily these days….

If you know me, if you know her then you get it. You know.

She’s such a beautiful soul that she’s turned cat haters into people who have loved her, dearly. 

Delilah Jones, her name from a Dead tune that’s always spoken to me…. Being a brown eyed woman, and all.

She has lived a legendary life. 

Queen bee of her home, )wherever it was, whoever home was….)

Master of sand paper kisses

Bard of raspy meows

Taster of all snacks

Chewer of stray fingers

Holder of hands, owner of my heart.

I am just not ready for you to go, but I can’t bear to make you stay….

They say grief is just love with no where to go, and I’m just not prepared to grieve forever

The Bleeding Heart

My heart hurts.

My heart hurts for so much happening around the globe and in our country. 

It hurts for the hate and bigotry and unnecessary loss of life. 

The unfathomable fear that humans live in every day just because their skin is a darker shade, and their murderers are taught that it’s ok to take their precious life.

I am livid that this continues and we can’t seem to put a stop to it, and I deeply weep for families who mourn these tragic losses. 

My heart hurts for our country, our government refused to take proper precautions to hinder the quick spread of a virus, because the bottom line is always money.

It breaks for the needless loss of life, and fear that lives inside each of us during this unprecedented pandemic. 

My heart aches for pieces of the life I once knew, bear hugs from my family, and belly laughter with my humans. 

I ache to live and thrive, while we are stuck in the limbo of survival....

There are too many questions and not enough answers. 

Too much pain and not enough love.

Too much hate and not enough compassion. 

...it’s just too much and my heart, right now, just hurts.... 

Self Care and 40's

Last year I turned 40, which seemed like a silly joke, like "hey I'm 40, how the heck did this happen??"

This year I turned 41 and I am not laughing.
My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer at 45, and lost her battle at 50- so the years are looming and I live in fear of these numbers.
I am SO not laughing.

I had a very hard winter, I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with panic disorder and severe anxiety. I thought that I would never feel like me again.
Fear had taken over, and that fearless girl who had always lived inside me seemed to slip away.
I may have been diagnosed last winter but I have been living with severe anxiety and panic for a number of years, to the point that I stopped driving.
I still don't drive, but that is a personal goal this year. We'll see how that goes.

I have been disappointed in myself for a long time, letting fear take over and rule how I live my life... this was certainly not how I was raised by 3 of the strongest people I have ever known. I had lost my independence. Life was dark, and all I could do was reach out to my rocks for the support that I couldn't give myself.
...and let me tell you, those rocks, those wonderfully unconditionally loving human beings saved me over and over and over, and still do every day. I am so lucky.

So, once diagnosed, I started on a path to find myself again. Which is what I think the meaning of life is, finding yourself over and over, because we really don't ever stay the same through all of life's ups and downs, do we?
I made a promise to myself this year, in 2020 that I would take care of myself the way I take care of those that I love. It's not something I am good at, taking care of me- I'm needy, I have some heavy baggage stuffed full of trauma and most of it (almost all of it) I prefer not to remember. However, my mind, and body have had enough of my avoidance so here I am...spilling my findings into this silly little blog that is always here when I need it.

Truth- I NEVER knew how important self care was. Like ever. So here I am teaching myself that life isn't about work and housework, and running yourself into the ground tired with "To Do lists".
I believe my anxiety is at her most active when I am idle, so I list all the things that I "should" do and I just do...until I fall asleep.
Yesterday I tossed the "to do's" aside and packed a little cooler for Andrew and I to spend a few hours at our pool. It was DELIGHTFUL. I laid in the sun (with 50 sunscreen and a hat) and read, I sat in the pool and let the warmth wash over me, while the water lapped at my exhausted body. Then I made dinner and we watched a movie.
Self Care:sometimes it means a day of things that bring you joy.

Today I got up, had my tea (apparently panic disorder and coffee doesn't mix, yeah I feel bad for me too) and made the decision to go down to the gym.
Now let me be clear, I could count on 1 hand how many times that I have been to the gym in the last 10 years. I am not a gym girl. I am a "housework is my therapy" girl. But something in my mind said "you need this, you're 41 and we aren't bouncing back like we used to" so I did it.
I wasn't there long, but I was there.
I showed up for myself and that's also not something that I normally do...but its now something that I will continue to do because I am worth caring for.

To The Boy Who Saved Me

I write a lot about my past, my pain, my growth and lots of random things between, yet don’t think I have taken a minute to write about the boy who saved my life.

It was the summer of 2006 when I met the guy of my dreams, I just didn’t know it yet. 

We had a quick introduction at a music festival, then I skipped off on my merry little way and didn’t think about it again until we ran into each other the following winter at an indoor music event in Western Mass. I can still remember the electricity....really though, I had no idea.

Our paths crossed many times in the following months, and each time I was more drawn to him. His energy, his smile.... his unbearable sarcastic sense of humor, and obviously his music.

In the midst of all the criss crossing we’d become close friends-phone calls, texting, myspace posts (you heard me, I'm old shut up)

....we had become so close that when my mom took a turn for the worst, he was my rock when I thought I would float away on my tears of grief. 

Stonehenge 2007

There’s something so pure and beautiful about a relationship that begins on a bedrock of friendship. I knew, long before I should have known, that I was hopeless for him. 

He was my friend. 

My trusted sounding board. 

A source of laughter and distraction when I needed it most. 

I should stop talking about all these emotions as though they’re in the past because he, to this day, is still all of those things, and so very much more. 

Most little girls dream about marrying their prince, I always dreamed about marrying my best friend.... and I did in 2013 on the most gorgeous day.

Life has thrown, well, basically everything at us. 

We lost our home, lived with both sets of our parents, then moved away from everyone and everything we ever knew, and started from scratch.... what made it bearable is that we did it together. 

I am stronger because of you.

I’m HAPPIER because of you.

I survived some incredibly hard times, because of you.

So happy birthday, my love. 

I am more thankful every single day, for you.

-Team Us-

Xoxo

Part of the Family

I spent the weekend, the long weekend, with my Mucci side of the family last week. We all got together, all million of us from all sides of the family.

We said goodbye to the greatest man any of us had ever had the pleasure of loving.
My grandfather.


I am an especially emotional person, always have been.
I feel deeply, I love deeply, I hurt deeply, and on top of my own feelings I am an empathizer to a fault- pile on everyone else's feelings and I am a mini basket case of raw emotion on a good day;
so when we said goodbye to the man who made the world make sense, I struggled.
I am still struggling.
I can honestly say I have wept every single day since I got the news that he had been freed from his mortal prison of Parkinson's.

I could write a book on my childhood, and why my grandfather is one of the reasons that I am still here, alive, and almost well adjusted today- but that's not why I sat down at my laptop with my giant cup of coffee allowing tears to stream down my face.

I want to talk about my family.

When I lost my mother 11 years ago, I remember one very specific thing that my sweet aunt said to me- it rings in my ears and sits on my shoulders and fills my heart on lonely days.
"I promised your mom that I wouldn't let you walk away from the family"
...promise kept.

That woman knew me well... she knows I spent my life running from uncomfortable situations.

After we lost her, I ran one last time.
Though not away from anything, I ran towards myself. I faced the scared emotional child and I began to love her.
Truthfully, my Aunt Brenda has always kept one hand on my shoulder... not letting me get too far away no matter where I live. She kept that promise and it has anchored me to this beautiful family that my Grandparents created.

Grandpa always said he didn't want a mournful funeral, he wanted joyful celebration.
We met him in the middle somewhere... we mourned.
It was HARD to say goodbye, he made every single one of us feel so special and important at times where many of us didn't feel important at all.... he found those of us who wandered and were lost, and he always had the perfect words to bring us back and never feel judged; but in those heartbreaking moments, we had each other. We SAW each other- it took a wife, child, grandchild of his, to understand how painful it was for us to let him go, how conflicted we felt that he was gone but also free of a disease that held him captive for far too long.

We had each other.

No, we  HAVE each other.


I believe he orchestrated it all, he looked down and saw his family and smiled... he smiled because he knew we have each other. He knew that through understanding each other, we need each other, and the reconnection of generations of family may help heal the gap this loss has left our family.


I sat with my grandmother at the viewings, and listened to people share their connection with my grandfather and our family.
More than one person said the words "he was my friend, he was my brother, he was my mentor" and also "what a joy it is to feel as though you're a part of the Mucci family".
One by one they came, they wept, they shared stories and paid respects. What a man he was, what a difference he made in so many lives.

So, to my mother, and my grandfather- I hope you're smiling as the silly texts are flying back and forth, and the plans for future trips are made. I hope you know that you both live, alive in my heart through this family of ours.

It's a funny thing being part of the Mucci family, no matter where we all are, when we're together it always seems to feel like home.

If you were here

I wonder, all the time, where I would be if you were still here.
Would I have run so far?
Would I have grown this much?
Would I have felt the same pain, and joy, and tasted life's bittersweet chocolate?

Would you have protected me, or held me back?
It was always so complicated, the lines of adulthood blurred for so many decades, the struggle for dominance, never clear.

You let me fly, only when you knew you may not be there, should I stay.
You wanted to prepared me for this life without you keeping me in line, reminding me... humility....

...and here I am, on your 61st birthday just wondering how different it all would have been.
Would it have been us against the world, instead of us against each other? We were so close to being there before the empire fell.
Maybe the universe wasn't ready for that amount of strength and power that we collectively held.

Still today I wonder, wonder where the road would have lead us, and would I feel so sad...
...yet so free.

Army of Souls

There’s an ever growing army of angels watching over us, they’ve left a community of broken hearts and healing souls in their wake.

In my mind they are together, planning our successes, removing the obstacles of danger, and cheering us on, every step of the way. 

They’re our mentors, our silent leaders who nudge us down the path of happiness and love. 

They’re the silent voices in our minds whispering words of caution and wisdom and encouragement as we navigate through a life without them here, in the flesh.

There’s a growing group of strong willed earth movers down here- we have found the same missing pieces in each other, understanding without words what it feels like to painfully know that life goes on, no matter what. 

And we go on- day after day, smile after smile, tear after tear.... 

only slowing down life once or twice a year to fully remember, mourn, and miss those angels who brought us to this very moment in time. 

Drinking to their legacy, holding onto each memory, making sure not even one slips away.

Be with us, don’t let us forget, guide us and know that we are who we are, as strong as we are because you raised us.

There’s an ever growing army of angels, proudly watching over the lives they cherish below.  

I Need Yoga.

Like some people need some Jesus, I need yoga. (actually, I could probably use a little Jesus too at this point)

The past few months of my life have been an absolute whirlwind... like "did Thanksgiving actually happen or did I dream it?" kind of whirlwind.

New job, new schedule, new... life really. I've been absorbing lots of new to me knowledge, and trying like mad to tread water during this holiday season in my very new position- all while trying to be really good right away, with the grace of someone who knows what they're doing.... and these past few weeks, I just feel like I am failing at it.

I am off balance and I can not for the life of me locate my center. Most of this is likely due to the holidays being a difficult time for me (and any other human who has lost a parent/child/loved one), but another piece of this is that I am just struggling to find my footing in this new life that I have purposefully cultivated for myself.

I need some yoga.
Some deep breathing, stretch until you sob into your hip opening pose, yoga.
(oh Terra how my soul misses your Karma Wednesday night classes)

There's very little harder in life, than trying to balance the universe on the top of your head while you are left of center with yourself.

A few weeks back I had the most Monday, Sunday of my life. I walked into work ready to take the day by storm and promptly dumped lots of greasy marinara all over myself and the floor of my walk-in 5 minutes before our doors opened for the day.

My instinct was to berate myself "Awesome, this is where we're starting today, is it? Fanfrickentastic."
Instead of being gentle on myself, cutting slack and taking a breath to understand that sometimes I am just one little chick who can't juggle it all perfectly.

Since then I haven't been able to shake my instability....the insecurity from all the newness in my world. I find myself with a shorter fuse,  with raw thread bare and sensitive feelings. This is not my favorite version of me, but here I am feeling it all deeply and taking it all on.
This is the version of myself that is soon to either run, or shed her skin and grow. And, since I am no longer a single twenty something, running is in my past so looks like its dig in and shed that skin time.

December is not the time to skimp on self care, so its time to pull up my big girl stretchies and if nothing else find myself on the mat in the dim lights of my Christmas tree.

Dear Santa, I'm trying to be good- I promise.

The Awakening Soul

...And all of the sudden, your eyes flutter open, the images in your world sharpen, sounds come into focus, and you realize you have awoken... 

you've arrived to the wide awake happiness your soul was quietly searching for. 

Somehow, for years, you've been wandering through life in a foggy slumber, 

letting muscle memory lead you through your day to day, without realizing you're not exactly alive, 

not exactly dead.... 

you're just existing to exist allowing the brightest parts of you to be dusted over with silent discontent. 

The enemy lies in the darkest parts of our minds- we call him many things…

Comfort, Contentment to name a few…. 

...and don't always realize when he has lulled our fire into its deepest slumber 

only to be awakened by the bright spark of change. 

You stand in the sunlit room, beaming light and fire out into the universe, 

pulling off the cobwebs of living in the past burning them into particles of stardust with your passion for the unknown…the precipice of growth underfoot urging you to jump, to fly, to soar and conquer the beautiful world hanging at your fingertips. 

Stretching your wings you confidently nosedive into the brightly colored future, 

lighting your path with merely the love in your heart, 

there’s nothing between you and your wildest dreams now- 

they’re all yours for the taking. 

Own this future, love this world, 

let the passionate fire burning brightly within your soul light up the darkest nights- 

you’ve arrived to your next destination.

I Am. I Was. I Want To Be.

I am in my late thirties. I choke on that every single time I speak or write it. 

I don't feel late thirty, two years and three weeks from forty… 

Living in a one bedroom apartment with an epic view of the Golden Gate Bridge from my 64 inch living room window. 

I don't feel like my thirties are almost over, I feel like I should have more time. 

Time to explore, time to dance until the sun comes up, time to drive up and down the pacific coast highway breathing in the scent of the ocean air. 

I feel like there should be more time….. I need like 5 more years in my thirties. 

I am 3 weeks away from 38 years old. How did that happen?

**********

I am a writer, a dreamer, a road tripper, a runner (metaphorically speaking), a fighter for all equal rights… 

I am a loud foul mouthed opinionated east coast progressive female who -will never truly let a man take care of her. Thankfully my marriage is as progressive as my soul.

I am a live music loving, tree hugging, composting, local buying, Mother Earth supporting woman who is outraged at what is happening in our world, in our very own country.

I am someone who will not be silenced for anyone, if I believe in it, I will fight for it. My mother taught me that- I wear those life lessons as badges in her memory knowing she would fight along side me just as loud, just as foul mouthed, just as passionate.

I am an unconditional loving friend to everyone who has touched me, loved me, accepted me for who I am in all my handfuls of high maintenance Boston Broad glory.

I am a Boston born and raised, Jersey Strong, San Franciscan open-minded passionate thinker, reader, activist.

I silently fear the unknown, yet yearn to take the leaps into it- I am the hesitant adventurer.

I thirst for knowledge, but hate school. I want to teach myself in the classroom of life, without desks, without deadlines, or structure. 

I am organized chaos.

I meditate on ocean shores, I feel my blood pump to the tides and it quiets my mind. I do yoga alone in my bedroom, I read the Bhagavad Gita to feed my soul. I put my bare feet on the earth to center myself and reduce anxiety, to calm panic. 

I am a spiritual being.

I like to dive into a world of make believe and fantasy, I believe in magic and that someday I will unlock and tap into my abilities that will change the world, that will help save the world. 

I am stardust.

************

I used to be fearless, I acted without inhibition, I made choices that set my life back years at a time. I jumped before I thought things through- I ran when life got real… I shirked responsibilities. 

I was immature and unprepared.

I was a rebel without a cause, without reason. I hurt deeply on the inside, which made me cut others deep on the outside. I wore a mask of security, while inside I was an open wound of insecurity…I was careless with other’s feelings. 

I was raw adolescence.

I fell in love deep and hard without protecting myself. I attached quickly, immersed myself in another’s life fully, and put my needs and self respect last. 

I was a foolish heart.

*************

I want to be the the little force that feeds progressive change. I want to join my voice for causes that grant freedoms that some people have never known. I want to shed my middle class white skin, and let my heart lead the troops to victory. 

I want to be Political Change.

I want to plant, to get my hands filthy- I want to learn how the sun and rain affect life. I want to raise beauty and talk the seeds into food. I want to nourish, and grow and learn from each season. 

I want to be sustainable.

I want to nurture, I want to feed with home cooking- I want anyone who leaves my house to feel like they have left home. I want to be the warm hearth that helps others heal, I want to dry their tears and feed their souls, and send them feeling more loved than when they came into my home. 

I want to be the mother to all who needs her.

I want to donate my time, my love, my hands. I want to make others want to donate their lives and hearts. I want to search for the causes in need, I want to fund those causes so they succeed in protecting, helping, sheltering those in need

I want to be not for profit.

I want to publish my words. I want to spread a message that touches people. To tell a story that means something, that awakens someone from their deep slumber and pushes them to positive change. I want to share it all, real, raw, and magical. 

I want to write books that mean something.

Defined By Pools Of Aqua

Defined by Pools of Aqua

My dear sister-friend is doing a beautiful project- hind sight I should have joined her as she requested, but I don’t love writing on command. I write when inspired, I write to remove hurt, pain or to work through some things rattling around in my head. 

I should always listen to her though, no matter the miles between us, she knows me….she’s always known me and my self tortured soul. 

That being said she is working on this beautiful project where she mentioned my affinity for the color turquoise/aqua. Its been my absolute favorite color for over a decade, it slowly called to me at a time when my life was in complete turmoil and I was learning to stand alone again, on my own two feet- learning to rebuild a life that had fallen apart, piece by piece, and learning again, how to be a great friend to those I loved, but mostly to myself. 

During this time I also went from being a mousy brunette, to a bombshell blonde- aqua and turquoise just seemed to accent this new girl crawling out from the bottom of her self created pit. I was 24 years old, had just left NH and moved back to my hometown, close to my family, my childhood friends, into this gorgeous apartment with my two best girls. It was a fresh start, and thus began the wave of aqua pooling into my life without me paying attention.

It started small, curtains, a duvet… 2 work tops. Then over the course of the next 10-12 years it has wrapped me in its cocoon of protection and healing. I seek it out, if there is a wall of colors, I am immediately drawn to the not quite blue, not quite green color calling to my soul.

At this point, my bedroom is a light soft aqua, with sheer curtains that allow the light from outside to wash a Caribbean ocean blue  on the walls- there are two pieces of furniture in my living room that are teal- and my most prized articles of clothing range from a soft bright aqua hoodie to a deep turquoise sweater with sequins. Even my bridesmaids and my footwear at my wedding were adorned in a pool aqua color, and every time I look at the pictures I smile- the women who support me, and the color that saved me just make my heart smile. We have Hue lights in our apartment, with an app on my phone, I can wash the rooms with any color of the rainbow… I’m sure you can guess that when I need to calm my brain I wash the rooms with a soft yet bright aqua to teal color. 

How did I not see this happening? I understand my obsessive nature, and my need for matchy match color palates but never fathomed it was so much more.

So, until Terra spoke about her friends being defined by a color, I hadn’t ever thought of the color actually defining me, that there was a psychological need and draw - to me , this was just my favorite color. 

So I dug, I did some online research to see why this color calls to me, why it has softly snuggled me and dried my tears helping me to find a clear path. Below is the first thing I read, and it kind of blew my mind…

“In color psychology, turquoise controls and heals the emotions creating emotional balance and stability. In the process it can appear to be an emotional rollercoaster, up and down, until it balances itself”

“This is a color that recharges our spirits during times of mental stress and tiredness, alleviating feelings of loneliness.” 

I also read that when I need balance, I should bring in Magenta- funny… this color is Terra’s color. 

Kismet.

I still torture my soul, I still overthink and require soothing healing colors to surround me. I still lay under my soft fuzzy teal blanket when I need to feel safe and creative. 

I am drawn to the blue ocean, to the colors that roll in and out of shore. I’m drawn to the repetition of the sounds of water- they bring my full of anxiety mind to peace. These are the sounds of my meditation. I don’t chant, I have an extremely difficult time staying quiet…. so I focus on the sea, on the color and sounds…. on the peaceful way that it organizes our world holding everything into place with its tides. 

When I am in full chaos, I sit on the beach close my eyes and let life melt away. 

I am a soft pool of not quite green, not quite blue force of nature.

Quiet, Almost Silent Movements

There is a quiet shift happening, a movement. Something under the surface that started as a whisper, a small cry, and is slowly growing louder with each vibrant epiphany. 

The move out from a life chained to corporate slavery is happening. 

The once great American dream, full of security, 401K stability and 25 year retirement plan has begun to crumble under the weight of technology and human longing for change and progress. I’m certainly not saying that the tower has fallen and that swift change is a abreast; I am saying that joy seekers and bliss chasers have decided they can change all of the rules, they’ve decided- WE have decided to head back to the basics of life, unchained, raw, and ready to live.

There are many negative opinions around the tech movement, and while I could use less faces in phones bumping into me on the streets or at a table across from me in a restaurant, I appreciate the remote life style. 

I appreciate a life with the ability to hold all of the music in the world in the palm of my hand- a playlist for every day. I appreciate spending Christmas morning, across the country from everyone we love, with the ability to see faces full of joy on a screen as we spend precious moments “together” in different rooms in different states. 

I used to hand write and mail letters to my friends when we were apart- today I am able to push a button and see their faces in real time- what a world!

The minimalist movement, the support of small businesses movement, the slight movements in cities that bring communities closer together working towards bringing the “little people” big successes against the great corporate giants, are slowly but steadily gaining momentum. 

And maybe this is more noticeable from a progressive city with deep roots being on the “right” side of political movements, in supporting the goodness of mother earth, remembering that without her, we are truly nothing; we are a non existent species of a bad bacteria that she will soon learn how to fight off unless we learn to listen and help her thrive….though I suppose that tirade is for another novella. 

…don’t worry our dear Mother, I have a great long and supportive book of words for you, appreciating you and your graciousness knowing our time on your surface is limited.

There are professionals all over our country who have discovered, that making 6 figures a year hasn’t promised them happiness, as they thought. Cliche or not, money can not buy your happiness, it can only buy you plane tickets, momentary lapses from reality, and more things than you will ever actually need in this lifetime. It can not, however, grant you the joy and bliss that we as humans are programmed to seek. It may buy your cocktail during happy hour, but it can not buy you incredible laughter with loved ones…to achieve that kind of joy, you must first put your humanity first, and learn to love and learn to be worthy of love. 

These professionals with their big salaries and their big retirement plans, are jumping ship into the waters of the unknown setting forth on a journey to find their bliss, to find the source of the light that has dimmed over the course of a life focused on success, rather than a life focused on happiness. 

Once I hit my mid twenties, I began to thirst for adventure. I was a wilder teenager with no fear and a lot of darkness in her past, I made my not-so-great decisions, and tried all of the things that you try when you’re young and wild. Through life changing events, and a loss that cut so deep I am still healing ten years later- I subconsciously began to dream of change. 

My life had been lived in one area, with the same people, who knew all of the same people. We knew each other’s pasts, and judged each other for who we were, not giving anyone the room to be who they needed to grow into…. it was suffocatingly obvious that my time in one of the only places that I had truly known-that had truly known me, was at is end. 

I needed to fly, to run, to heal, to learn about who I was and what I truly needed out of this life. 

So, I gave up the corporate finance job, my 9-5 weekend free life, and set out for a new chapter. Suffice to say this decision may have saved my life. I was able to surround myself with like minded souls, a new kind of chosen family who understood what I was searching for… 

and while my past was rich and full of love, I was still the same girl, there, that I had always been; put in a box, labeled and tossed on a shelf in the town records- preserved as her forever.

This cycle repeats itself - I hesitate to grow roots even now, I fear the committal one place forever and still thirst for travel, change, and newness. I join in the quiet movement to finding the joy- shedding the comfort zoned life in search of doing something that ignites the flame in my soul that will blind anyone close enough to question it.

Don’t chain yourself to the life you think you should live, because it puts zeros in your bank account. Don't anchor yourself to one spot because it is the place you have only ever known- there is a huge beautiful world out there that needs us to remember the basics. It needs us to remember that we don't need all the things and stuff, that we need only the things to survive- shelter, food, clothing, and love. 

Don’t be consumed by the commercials forcing you into thinking you need- be consumed by your heart crying out to send and receive love- then send all of the love you wish to receive, and it will be so.