Kick it to the CURB - Know your Truth

So as 2013 comes to an abrupt close, (when the hell did that happen?!), we all sit here thinking about diet plans, work out regimes, and resolutions....

Right?

Actually I am sitting here sick as a dog in my bed eating chocolate and guzzling water- not thinking about workout regimes or the like. I'm thinking about "what would I do with all my time if I could stop sneezing for 5 minutes".

That's right, for my first married Christmas I am as sick as they come, in bed on my new lap desk that my husband, who knows me better than anyone, bought for me since I spend the majority of my time at home snuggled up in bed on my computer with my kitties. Don't judge me its like -20 degrees out there, I'm warm and comfortable; you may be jealous, but you may not judge.

So this year was crazy for us, we moved to Massachusetts, my husband went to work in Boston, I went back to work for good ol corporate America and we've been shacking up with my parents for the better part of a year. We finished planning the wedding, had showers, bachelor/bachelorettes, and then got married. It was a crazy intense awesome summer. We are so grateful for the generosity and love that was showered upon us from our loved ones. Really its surreal how full of awesome our life is. Which is great when you're coming off a hurricane that took everything you love away from you- like your bomb little apartment on the beach in that fabulous little blue collar beach town that you felt so at home in...

But I'm moving on... slowly.

So I'm coming off the wedding high, and honeymoon high- man what a great high that was. Our wedding was solely the best day of our lives- I could have lightened up a bit (or a lot) but it was perfect.
While coming down harshly off this blissful high I am smacked in the face with some realities that I've been ignoring for a while- like years a while. No more distractions...

I need to remember who I am.

I am married, and I LOVE my married identity (Hello Mrs. Lenaghan- I love the sound of that - speaking of I should actually change my name soon)
...but I need to remember that scrappy little Quincy broad who loves the world with her whole heart and kicks anyones ass who does her  (or anyone she loves)wrong. Or at least kick them to the curb- ahem.

I've become a bit of a "turn the other cheek doormat" as of late.
Its so not a great color on me ... very khaki in my bold world of bold colors.
I have let some words slide, and stick, and sting.

The girl who hits the world headfirst in the mouth then thinks after, "maybe it wasn't the brightest move"- feels complacent, almost insecure.
The girl who will show you all her cards before keeping a secret- keeps her mouth shut and hurts quietly.
I would sell myself down a river before I could muster a lie or hurt someone I love- to a fault (a-hem)

I know myself.
I know my truth.
Why do I doubt??
Why so soft?!
Why so complacent!!!

How did I become this person?! Is it the loss of my mother, or my home? I thought at least those things made me as strong as granite by now.
20 year old Tatum would be so disgusted, and so would my parents....and 34 year old Tatum is over it too; lets be real here.

I am me, heah me ROAH !! (shoot- you heard me)
I am the sparkly shoes on top of your doormat, I am NOT the doormat to someone else's suck mood. YA HEARD!!

Christmas Eve I faced a hard lesson; one that I have been avoiding for quite sometime - in the words of Kenny Rogers, "know when to fold"

So, Kenny, I fold.

I know me.
I know my truth.


This is me, taking back my bold bright AQUA sequin identity, as Mrs. Lenaghan (*squeel* I soooo love the sound of that)

Watch out 2014 because I am back and even more sure of myself than ever.
Nothing on my plate but a great future with the greatest man alive and some of the best friends and family anyone could dream of.
(seriously you guys are my world- you know who you are xoxo)

I challenge you- kick it to the curb, whatever/whoever is making you doubt yourself.

Chuck that Khaki complacent personality and grab that bold identity... its who you are, its what makes you, you.
And that "you" is what makes this world a better place.
Rock your purple hair, grow out that epic beard, sing loudly down the hallway in that corporate building that you spend the majority of your life in (many know that I do)

Know your truth.
Trust in who you are.
No one, and nothing else matters.

Yeah BUDDY!
Who doesn't love a sweet self pep talk after a rough few days??

whew that makes me almost want to get up and do a victory lap... when I am done sneezing....


-from my wedding gown and aqua chucks- to your sequin pants and purple velvet blazers I bid you funky evening.

Loss, Hurricanes, Devastation, and a Wedding

A year ago yesterday my fiancé (now husband YAY!) and I packed everything we possibly could into 5 car loads and trekked it up to his parents house about 10 miles north of us and into their garage. We knew in our hearts, while we didn’t want to believe it, that it would be the last moments we spent in our little apartment on the Bay of Highlands. Our perfect little apartment with the great kitchen, two bedrooms, tons of sunlight and lots of love….our apartment that I loved more than any other home that I had created …our apartment where our relationship took a giant happy leap into love and forever... 

I grew up in New England and have always been on the more prepared side for weather; but nothing short of my mother’s death could ever prepare me for the loss we were about to suffer. 

Growing up on the other side of the perverbial tracks, I have lived a relatively interesting existence; but have learned how to take the experiences my past has handed me and instead create something beautiful with this life. It's how I have taught myself to survive, how my countless therapists have helped me learn to survive. For what is life if we can’t learn from our past … right?? 

So what exactly do you take from an experience that basically strips you of your own living space completely? An experience that dumps 6 feet of water into the one place on this earth that makes you feel comfortable and safe. How, exactly, do we come out of that with gratitude and love? 

I’m still not positive- I still ache, and hurt for our life in the little beach town of Highlands… 

I remember waking up the morning before the storm, feeling uneasy and tense, I made my coffee, puttered around the house and tried to shake off the mass media pounding through my head of the storm to come. I always loved drinking coffee on the beach looking out on the bay- it quieted my mind and gave me a great calm... except for this morning when I walked out and the water was higher than it had ever been, it was farther up on the shore than I had seen it in the 2 years living on this beach. 

Holy crap, this is really going to happen. 

I ran in and shook Andrew awake, while my phone was a buzz with worried texts from friends- My sweet sister (from another Mrs. & Mr.) telling me that she was done with my wishy washy-ness and her and her husband were on their way to collect what they could from our house and pile it into their cars. Terra Catherine you are an amazing friend- please don't ever forget that, or think that I take it for granted- I think of that moment often and it was you who sprung my brain into action. 

After Andrew took his own look at the water and felt the unease of the air he too sprung into action and we began frantically collecting everything of importance,  anything of worth, all memories we wanted to hang onto... and thinking we were just preparing for the worst, after all, 1 foot of water wouldn't destroy our lives.. it would just rust a few things.

I can remember the drive up to my (soon to be) in-law's house with our 3 cats, they screamed the whole way and I tried to hold back my tears as I promised them that it would all be ok and we'd be home in a few days... its just a little visit with Nana and Papa, no big deal. I pulled into the driveway and Andrew's mother came running out of the house to help me, that was it... I lost it, the tears came and never stopped. The sweetest little lady in the world scooped me into her arms and wanted only to take away my fear- even if she had the same ones. I will tell you now that I married into the single best family on this planet and I am so grateful for them every single day. 

Five carloads later, many many many tears- my fiancé, cats and I were set up downstairs in his old bedroom in the basement.  It was all this poor sweet man could do to hold me together, I was literally falling to pieces, I knew it in my heart that I would never spend another night in my adorable little apartment on the bay. 

For the next (short lifetime) few hours I was glued to the television, to Facebook, and to any link I had to Highlands. I HAD to know what was going on.. we could hear the wind, the storm... I saw pictures that I couldn't believe... 

My house would have been, well, in the water at the point of this picture posted by the Jersey Shore Hurricane News.

Where you see the rather large wave in the distance, that used to be a road, a road that separated the bay from the ocean, a road that was washed out by the surge of Hurricane Sandy. 

That evening during the storm, that had now taken out all power in NJ, I finally broke down and began to have a few drinks with Andrew- because really at this point its all about acceptance of the situation. You can't control a force like Mother Nature, you just have to take a deep breath and clean up after her....

We went outside in the heart of the storm and felt the wind blow, it was so crazy and intense- I could actually lean all my weight into it and not fall forward, the wind just held me up... and in that moment I wondered what it was tearing down. 

About three days later we got word that we could get into our town- the National Guard had shut down both entrances in and out of Highlands, and you were only allowed in with a photo id that had your address on it. Andrew wouldn't let me go until he was able to assess the damage himself....probably the smartest decision he ever made. NJ had no great cell service at this point, so we were all borrowing phones and sitting in vehicles to charge them up - because obviously there was still no power. 

About an hour and a half later I got the call from Andrew, "babe, its bad.... its worse than I thought. Tom is on his way to get you if you're ready"

I wasn't ready. Who's ready for what was left of that storm?? What was left of our home... 

Here is where I tell anyone who will listen that we have some of the most amazing friends in the world. Friends who made it so hard for us to leave NJ, friends who made a girl, so far away from her family feel like she had a second family. 

Billy, Natasha, Charlie, Dave, Kate, Tom, Kristen & Mike there will never be enough words for Andrew and I to thank you for digging through that disaster and helping us save anything you could. 

As Tom and I pulled into town I couldn't believe my eyes, it was horrific. People covered in muck, emptying out their homes, gorgeous old antique furniture being piled onto sidewalks, children's toys, beds, you name it... it was being lugged outside... 

It took the breath right out of my lungs. 

We pulled down onto my street, things didn't look any better, and by the looks on everyone's faces I knew it was real bad. Before I even saw my home I saw my friends covered in this mud sludge from head to toe, and things that used to be clean (and possibly a little dusty), were mud covered out on the walkway in front of our little home trying to be salvaged.

I will never be able to erase from my mind what I saw when I walked into that apartment ever, nor can I erase the sweet sympathetic looks on everyone's faces as they watched me, once again, fall apart. My home that I had spent two years loving and living in was gone. All of it. 

Our sectional couch- tossed around the living room with sewn on cushions ripped right off from the force.

Our Kitchen, the refrigerator on its side and the glass from the kitchen table shattered all over the floor

our bedroom, all furniture looked like it had gone through a salad spinner. 

Some irony for heartache.

View from our living room into our bedroom- sludge everywhere






The Jersey Shore was complete devastation from one end to the other. I by no means, had it worse than many people. Lucky for us we rented, and lucky for you this is my story (see how selfish I am!)
Its safe to say I cried for about 2 weeks after this storm. I cried for us, and our home... I cried for the entire NJ Shore, and everyone affected... I cried because I wasn't really sure how else to convey or release my emotions... my sweet fiancé stood strong, and let me cry it all out.
About a week and a half after the storm I was able to go back to work at the Animal Hospital- they had no electricity so there was no use in the Front Desk being on site as we couldn't take patients or appointments. I was definitely grateful for the time off, but even more grateful to go back to work. Our clients were devastated, their animals were stressed. The entire area was so shaken up it was all we could do to keep each other smiling and help put pieces back together. 
About 10 weeks after the storm, Andrew and I moved to Massachusetts with my parents to start over and continue planning our wedding.
Oh right, remember we got engaged and had our wedding pretty much planned at this point, don't worry though our venue faired very well and for that we were so grateful. 
About a month after we moved, the South Shore of Massachusetts saw one of the largest ice/snow blizzards its seen in a few years.
Seriously, Mother Nature, what the hell did we do to you?!

But I was home, I was home with my family and the one guy who can handle me.
 Andrew went to work in Boston, I got a new job... and we tried to move on and pretend life was normal. 
You see here is where we work hard at making the best of it. I mean our cats probably hate us for moving them around so much, and neither of us know where anything is anymore... but life is life and all you can do is survive and float on...


Seven weeks ago Andrew and I got married.
11 months after we lost our home and most of our life in Hurricane Sandy, we celebrated the single best day in our lives with everyone we hold so close in our hearts. 

 We celebrated life, we celebrated happiness, and we celebrated a love that has already lasted through quite a few tragedies.

A note to our guests in the program was from a tattered piece of wood that hung in our home 

"the most important things in life, aren't things" 

We learned that it's love. 

The most important thing in life is love, and to be loved, and to feel love, and give love. 

We lost things that we cherished so deeply from the past, christmas decorations, my mother's lamp, a favorite sweater... ALL OF MY KITCHEN APPLIANCES!!!!

But, through it all we had love, our love and the love of our family and friends getting us through, day by day....

Hell, minute by minute most times. 

I would like to close this chapter in my life, 

a year later...

A year wiser. 

Still sad, still missing things that I know are probably in the middle of the atlantic ocean somewhere... 

Still missing the life that we lived in that little beach town on the NJ shore, and those amazing friends who, no matter what, were and are always there for us. 

That storm may have taken so much from us but in a very strange way gave us a strength that maybe we weren't sure was there. 

Find beauty in the tragedy... there's always some reason it happened...

 

I wouldn't have made it through with out my amazing husband Andrew holding my hand through it all, drying my tears through it all.

Only look back to see how far you've come

I read that somewhere one time. Never live in the past, only look back to see how far you've come... your past is behind you for a reason.

...and what a past it was...

As I look over my shoulder I see the reflection of a girl I once knew walking away almost out of view...
She was angry and fearful; hurt and betrayed. She looked in all the wrong places for momentary happiness or just an escape from reality for a while.
My life was real, and at times it was harsh.... and it wasn't until I met this girl at a music shop in Quincy that I found my laughter. I swear to this day in her own way she saved me,  reminding me that every moment in life can be great, you just have to make it great and appreciate the good even if it comes with not good. Twenty two years later she is still teaching me the same, to appreciate it all- the sunshine and the rain.

If you've taken time out of your life to read my blog you know I lost my mom just about 6 years ago; actually it will be 6 years exactly, 5 days after I marry the greatest man I have ever loved (aside from you dad). So sprinkle immense loss on top of a hard childhood and somewhere in my late twenties I almost came completely unraveled. Luckily that little girl who grew up in Boston is a crazy strong fighter and refuses to let me give up...
So I kept fighting for those happy moments, those moments where I could be grateful for just breathing... because sometimes its all I could do. Sometimes its still all I can do.
Breath is a strong way to center what's become askew.

Not quite a year ago, a storm hit the east coast, like no other storm I have ever seen in my wildest nightmares... and changed the course of my life, and Andrew's life as well.

Can you really ever prepare for a natural disaster?
I tried to liken it to dealing with the loss of my mother; after all, loss is loss and if there was something I had faced all my life, it was loss.
So we picked up, moved on.. moved back to where I grew up....where my memories linger and sometimes still sting.

In July of 2006 I was somewhere in far away New York, wandering around music festival grounds with an old friend, as I bumped into a new friend, who introduced me to someone who changed all my rules.
This was the day that I met Andrew.
Our first meeting relatively insignificant other than I thought his name was Anthony and that he was kinda cute. (sorry babe you know I'm bad with names.)
In the following 6 months our lives would weave in and out, at first by total accident when we bumped into each other, literally, in Western Massachusetts at another music event that he was playing. I still to this day remember the hug as we recognized each other, it threw me off my game and left him lingering in my head. I knew this was just the beginning to a new story in my life...though I had no friggen clue to what caliber.
Our seeing each other "randomly" became more frequent, and then a little "secret" (or so we tried to think). I would begin to take solo trips to NJ and we'd sneak away just to spend time together. Countless hours on the phone daily (6 years later we still never seem to run out of things to talk about).

The Universe is a crazy thing....

One day in August 2007 I got the call that mom had 6 months to live, about a week later, I was told she had weeks left. During a drive to NJ to watch Andrew play a show I got the call that she had maybe a day or two left. The decline was crazy fast and I needed to get to her ASAP.
Three days later she passed, and I was left in Pittsburgh...not quite sure how life had taken this heartbreaking turn.
I remember this Wednesday sitting in the office at my grandparent's house surfing the internet, and probably Myspace when I realized THE band, Juggling Suns, who had gotten me through some really hard times was playing, in Pittsburgh, that Friday. Thirteen hours away from my life, and Andrew was playing 15 minutes away.
Back then I saw it as a musical escape from a reality I was not ready to face... today I know it was fate, an intervention of the divine knowing exactly what I needed when I needed it.

(Forgive my jumping around, we are following my memories after all, and we all know I have the attention span of a gnat.)

As these memories fade and I face my future my heart is so warm and full of this Crazy Love.
For the first time in probably 20 years I am truly happy with open road ahead of me and my best friend beside me.
I'm not gonna lie, I have tears of excitement and joy each time I think about it.
                        I really got here... I found my way to actual happiness.

As a bride I am guilty of being over stressed, and worried.
Getting caught up in other people's tensions and issues.
Worrying about the details that we've so carefully planned and glued, and tied, and cut and written...
...but taking a peek back over my shoulder reminds me that that none of that matters, its all about the love and support that we share with each other.
This two person (ok 5 because lets be honest you all know I am crazy for our cats) family found me when I was more lost than I ever thought I could be.
In 9 days I will marry my best friend. The one I love most, laugh with the most, the one who makes me feel like I'm home though we haven't had one of our own for almost a year.

So keep your perspective, only look back to see how far you've come.

All about We

Its been forever, life hit a serious down and I'm working on the Up as we speak...so to speak. 
I don't want to share the down, I'm not through it, I'm still sifting through feelings, and uncovering painful emotions; Today I want to share the Ups! 

We all know that Andrew and I got engaged over a year ago on New Years Eve in front of so many people we love in a place we once felt was "home". What we don't all know is that some AMAZING people have taken the engagement plunge with us! There is so much love in the air it sometimes takes my breath away and most certainly gets me through the rougher days. 

My Jedi Counsil of women and I, we've been chatting up a storm over love, wedding planning, and the bajillion details and emotions that come along with it. Since I became a fiancé, the future wife of an amazing man my life has been filled with more love than I ever thought possible. If someone tells you that being engaged is the same as dating, they either aren't in love with the person they're engaged to, or they are flat out lying to your face. 

Being engaged is the BOMB. 

Its feeling a whole different kind of love. You have wandered through the haunted forest of each other's past, climbed the mountain of uncertainty together, you stood atop  staring into each other's eyes with a new respect and a greater love. Then you take each other's hands and plunge off the side of that mountain and enter this whole new realm of togetherness washing away the fears. 

There's something about being engaged that makes a man dig into that piece of the relationship that connects two people. That "knowing" piece where we don't have to direct them, where they just "feel" it and make us feel better. 
...and in turn you become even closer when that moment has passed and you realize that they gently held your hand and stood softly beside you making sure you knew you weren't alone without saying it. 

This is that feeling of love and togetherness that makes a woman really aware that the decision to love, honor, cherish, and spend the rest of her life with this one man, her best friend, was the best decision she ever made. 

I've watched friends get married, and I've watched their relationships take on this "team us" feeling. 

I LOVE that feeling!!! 

I love knowing that these girls -who are my whole world- are being taken care of by a man who loves them more than he can find words to tell; I love knowing their hearts are protected, and that each time he looks at her he sees the quirky beauty that makes him crazy for her and he falls all over again. 

Have I girled this up enough for you?? What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic! 

 I can't keep my eyes dry when the love of the two people in the center of that dance floor radiates out and engulfs each friend and family member who has cleared there schedule to be there to celebrate this crazy love. 

This world is crazy, your life and everything you own can be ripped out from underneath you, swallowed by an ocean (oh wait that's me LOL) but having your silent partner, your best friend other half person that you can't breathe without holding your hand.....suddenly its not so dark when all the lights have gone out.