Last year I turned 40, which seemed like a silly joke, like "hey I'm 40, how the heck did this happen??"
This year I turned 41 and I am not laughing.
My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer at 45, and lost her battle at 50- so the years are looming and I live in fear of these numbers.
I am SO not laughing.
I had a very hard winter, I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with panic disorder and severe anxiety. I thought that I would never feel like me again.
Fear had taken over, and that fearless girl who had always lived inside me seemed to slip away.
I may have been diagnosed last winter but I have been living with severe anxiety and panic for a number of years, to the point that I stopped driving.
I still don't drive, but that is a personal goal this year. We'll see how that goes.
I have been disappointed in myself for a long time, letting fear take over and rule how I live my life... this was certainly not how I was raised by 3 of the strongest people I have ever known. I had lost my independence. Life was dark, and all I could do was reach out to my rocks for the support that I couldn't give myself.
...and let me tell you, those rocks, those wonderfully unconditionally loving human beings saved me over and over and over, and still do every day. I am so lucky.
So, once diagnosed, I started on a path to find myself again. Which is what I think the meaning of life is, finding yourself over and over, because we really don't ever stay the same through all of life's ups and downs, do we?
I made a promise to myself this year, in 2020 that I would take care of myself the way I take care of those that I love. It's not something I am good at, taking care of me- I'm needy, I have some heavy baggage stuffed full of trauma and most of it (almost all of it) I prefer not to remember. However, my mind, and body have had enough of my avoidance so here I am...spilling my findings into this silly little blog that is always here when I need it.
Truth- I NEVER knew how important self care was. Like ever. So here I am teaching myself that life isn't about work and housework, and running yourself into the ground tired with "To Do lists".
I believe my anxiety is at her most active when I am idle, so I list all the things that I "should" do and I just do...until I fall asleep.
Yesterday I tossed the "to do's" aside and packed a little cooler for Andrew and I to spend a few hours at our pool. It was DELIGHTFUL. I laid in the sun (with 50 sunscreen and a hat) and read, I sat in the pool and let the warmth wash over me, while the water lapped at my exhausted body. Then I made dinner and we watched a movie.
Self Care:sometimes it means a day of things that bring you joy.
Today I got up, had my tea (apparently panic disorder and coffee doesn't mix, yeah I feel bad for me too) and made the decision to go down to the gym.
Now let me be clear, I could count on 1 hand how many times that I have been to the gym in the last 10 years. I am not a gym girl. I am a "housework is my therapy" girl. But something in my mind said "you need this, you're 41 and we aren't bouncing back like we used to" so I did it.
I wasn't there long, but I was there.
I showed up for myself and that's also not something that I normally do...but its now something that I will continue to do because I am worth caring for.
