Living a life without you in it has been excruciating.
There have been millions of moments in the past 9 years that I wanted you to be a part of, or tell you about, or talk through all of the decisions that I've made, when I'm not sure they've been the right ones.
Missing you has been the easy part.
Walking down the aisle knowing you weren't front and center, was heartbreaking - though I was surrounded by all the love in the world.
Knowing I will face some of the most beautiful moments that life has to offer without you-without being able to tell you about it, makes it a little harder to breathe.
The day we pulled into San Francisco after 5 days on the road, in the VW with three cats and my new husband, it all hit me. The biggest change in my life to date had happened and all I wanted was to call you to talk me through my anxiety of the change.... and all I could do was look at your contact information in my phone and wonder who would answer if I actually called.
9 years have gone by.
9 years of life, changes, decisions, heartache, bliss.... and you have been missed in every single one. Sometimes I talk about it, sometimes I silently ache, but I always make it through.
Even though you aren't here with me, you gave me the gift of your superhuman strength before you left, as a tool to cope with life without you.
I try so hard to let this day go by, unnoticed because I want to celebrate your life, and keep alive the best parts of you...but it sneaks in, tugs at my heart and reminds me of the hardest day that I have faced.
It reminds me of 9 years stuffed full of all the words I want to say directly to you, and not just to the air around me.
I will continue to talk to you, I will continue to look for signs that you are still with me because missing you, has been the easiest part of life without you.
