More…

Where to begin…

Laying out the facts or spilling the feelings and emotions that are vibrating beneath my surface….

Maybe a little of both here. 

Some facts:

I’m having a second surgical biopsy Tuesday on my left breast. 

Once results are back, I will have surgery to remove the pre-cancerous ADH cells. No this isn’t a mastectomy, it’ll be a cube of tissue surrounding the ADH cells along with them, that gets cut out and sent to pathology. 

Pathology does their thing, the hope is that the surrounding tissue of the ADH cells is clear, and not cancerous. If that is the result, I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled screenings and MRI’s.

If the tissue around the ADH cells is cancerous, then that’s a new discussion and a new plan. One that I am truly not ready for. 

So I’ll be honest, I am absorbing only what I can emotionally manage right now. My cancer PTSD is buzzing under my skin threatening to surface and break me. 

I won’t break though. I have this weird sense that I would know in my soul if something was to that point.

Or….I'm in full denial and this is how I’m coping. 😂

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe, this feels so big.

Sometimes I feel silly for feeling such big feelings when it’s not actually cancer.

I’m not sure how to allow myself to fully sink into that worry, when women are literally battling for their lives with real cancer, dying from actual cancer. Not a form of pre-cancerous cells that have been caught early enough to not threaten my life… yet. 

I’m a ping pong ball of rational and irrationality. Sometimes it’s by day, sometimes it’s by minute. 

I’ve become slightly obsessed with plants, they take my mind off things - they give me something to fuss over, something to learn about and nurture. Watching something grow before your eyes, and helping it thrive is a lovely feeling in a world that feels like complete and utter chaos.

To the ones who keep me upright, where would I be without you? I truly have no idea. My love and gratitude for the support is endless. 

Be With Me

 To all my angels who watch over me, be with me today.

To the generations of spirits who walk the immortal path by my side, hold my hand through this. 

The anticipation and unknown maybe my undoing. 

I am facing this with every ounce of strength that my little body holds, encompassing all the bravery I have watched each one of you exhibit in the worst of times emanating from my soul.

I have spent a month keeping my brain and worry in check. Working overtime to create more space for the rational side to shine through with her checks and balances and spreadsheets and research. 

Outward I am the portrait of positivity and calm, inside I am messy, and worried, and trying to not play worst case scenarios on a loop.

I had a front row seat to this in my twenties, and I’m not looking to revisit that trauma especially in the first person. 

To my mom who battled this all, non stop for half a decade- be my strength.

To my uncle who faced everything facts first with wit and humor, be my rational joy.

To my grandpa who survived in a failing body for years and years with a mind sharp as knife, please be my wisdom.

If there is a way to reach between time and space may we find that magic today, so you can be with me. ♥️

ADH, and what’s to come …

 I just wanted this to be over…. 

I’ve said that a lot in the past week, I am feeling it deep in my core, yet I can’t will it to be true.

My results came back, and the news wasn’t terrible (so they tell me) but in my overworked brain, the news also isn’t great. 

I have what are called ADH cells in my right breast. They aren’t cancer, yet but generally they turn into cancer if not detected right away. 

Freaking awesome. 

Get these things out of me. 

Like NOW.

Why is there so much waiting around a disease that takes two lives each minute in the US?? You would think things would move at warp speed. 

Ok let me backtrack and gather the science before my run away train brain leaves the station and ends up stressing us all out more. 

Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia cells are associated with an increased risk for breast cancer and therefore classified as high risk lesion but not precursor lesion. 

So again, not breast cancer, yet… but if left undetected/untreated that is likely the outcome of cells of this type. 

I have a consultation with a surgeon for next steps in a week. Within these two weeks I have been and likely will continue going round and round emotionally and mentally preparing for the worst. 

But hey, a boob job down the road might be nice since age and gravity are not cooperating members of my age bracket.

Prepping for worst case scenarios is my survival mode, always has been. As long as I am prepared for the devastating outcomes, when they don’t happen I’m pleasantly surprised lol. 

Self torture with a side of mellow drama please.

Yes I am mentally prepping to remove parts of my body that may, long term, try to kill me; or at the very least make me incredibly sick.

I’ve seen it in real time, I know the cost associated with this unnatural disease. If I am being honest I swore I would never go through treatment knowing what I know, living through what I lived through. 

See- runaway train pulling out of the station at high speed.

Deeeep breaths. 

We aren’t there. 

I also have an appointment for the BRCA genetic testing that I have been putting off for 17 years (straight out of fear of the results) but now it seems like my age, genetics, hormones, and life are shoving me through that doorway fear or not. 

I am brave. I am brave. I am brave.

To all the women in my life: my strong, beautiful, bold, independent, loving, nurturing and all the other incredible things that you are- PLEASE put your health first. PUT OFF NOTHING.

Get the mammograms, the biopsies, the genetic testing… our bodies seem to work against us (along with the patriarchy- how fun!) and we need to be our own advocates just as we are the loud advocates for our loved ones.

I wanted this to be over, but it’s not.

 It feels like I have a road ahead of me that I knew would eventually walk. Not sure how graceful I feel, but I am clenching the good news part of this journey in my hot little fist with all my strength, leaning on my people, venting to the ears who will listen and eyes who will read as things unfold.

Promises Kept

 I made the decision last summer to devote myself to… myself.

To my health. Mental and physical. 

Like everyone I have trauma and loss, and at 45 these things have piled up and I refuse to let them swallow me whole. 

So I made a promise to myself to take an active part in healing my mental and physical health. It’s funny, I feel like while I’m wildly independent, I have been a passenger in my own life for decades. Letting what happens define me, mold me, teach me… but I haven’t been the leader here, I’ve been the follower of my circumstances.

In January I had surgery.

 I took my unfortunate genetics into my own hands after battling my weight for most of my adolescent and adult life. It was the best decision I have ever made for myself.

 I showed up for me. 

 I fought for me. 

And 3 months later I feel more me than I think I have in 25 years. 

Go me. 

Early April I went in for my yearly Mammogram. If you know me personally, you know my mom lost her battle to breast cancer at 50 years old after a long hard fought 5 years. What that means in the breast cancer world is that I am high risk and have been getting yearly mammograms since I was 36. So basically I’m a pro at this point.

I got the call back- “we see some irregular calcifications, we want more imaging” 

Crap. 

No, ok… I got this. Fear of this day will not eat me alive. I’m strong, brave, and fearless (mostly). 

I went in for my second imaging. After approximately one million images the doctor came in. “I’m recommending a biopsy. You’re high risk and we don’t want to take chances. I’m also referring you to the Breast Cancer Center for all future imaging as well as yearly MRI’s” 

Brave.

Fearless.

I will not break over this. 

Yesterday I went in for a biopsy which was very far from what I had anticipated it would be.

Emotionally, it was traumatic. And this is not the fault of the incredible women who took care of me all morning, because they were kind and gentle and talked me through every single step. It actually didn’t even hurt that much. 

The trauma lies with my past, and it keeps threatening to take me down. 

After all the collections were done in both sites on one side, they patched me up, glued me together, and said 3-4 business days I would have results.

So here I sit in these emotions…

Not feeling brave or fearless… but trying like hell to cling to the stubbornness that runs through my familial veins. 

I have no idea what is going to happen, which is my least favorite place to be. I’m a control freak, I have plans A-Z lined up for every facet of my life. I don’t like to live in the unknown, does anyone?? 

Thankfully through the last year with my incredible therapist, I have worked on sitting with things. We’re breaking down my advanced compartmentalization way of not coping, and teaching me to feel things as they come. I’ll be honest, this isn’t my favorite thing to do. I have more important things in life to spend my time thinking about, right? 

No. 

I made a promise to myself. 

Mental and physical health, we face each thing as they come. 

No more boxes filled with trauma that threaten to burst open when more than one thing hits me at once reminding me of a past that tried to eat me alive. No more secret closets with my true feelings and emotions packed away, waiting for the right time.

Nervous.

Anxious.

But still brave… and waiting. 

Who knew self devotion could be so hard? 

Here’s to driving my own bus, and not being a passenger in this life. Tomorrow is never promised, make today beautiful.