I read that somewhere one time. Never live in the past, only look back to see how far you've come... your past is behind you for a reason.
...and what a past it was...
As I look over my shoulder I see the reflection of a girl I once knew walking away almost out of view...
She was angry and fearful; hurt and betrayed. She looked in all the wrong places for momentary happiness or just an escape from reality for a while.
My life was real, and at times it was harsh.... and it wasn't until I met this girl at a music shop in Quincy that I found my laughter. I swear to this day in her own way she saved me, reminding me that every moment in life can be great, you just have to make it great and appreciate the good even if it comes with not good. Twenty two years later she is still teaching me the same, to appreciate it all- the sunshine and the rain.
If you've taken time out of your life to read my blog you know I lost my mom just about 6 years ago; actually it will be 6 years exactly, 5 days after I marry the greatest man I have ever loved (aside from you dad). So sprinkle immense loss on top of a hard childhood and somewhere in my late twenties I almost came completely unraveled. Luckily that little girl who grew up in Boston is a crazy strong fighter and refuses to let me give up...
So I kept fighting for those happy moments, those moments where I could be grateful for just breathing... because sometimes its all I could do. Sometimes its still all I can do.
Breath is a strong way to center what's become askew.
Not quite a year ago, a storm hit the east coast, like no other storm I have ever seen in my wildest nightmares... and changed the course of my life, and Andrew's life as well.
Can you really ever prepare for a natural disaster?
I tried to liken it to dealing with the loss of my mother; after all, loss is loss and if there was something I had faced all my life, it was loss.
So we picked up, moved on.. moved back to where I grew up....where my memories linger and sometimes still sting.
In July of 2006 I was somewhere in far away New York, wandering around music festival grounds with an old friend, as I bumped into a new friend, who introduced me to someone who changed all my rules.
This was the day that I met Andrew.
Our first meeting relatively insignificant other than I thought his name was Anthony and that he was kinda cute. (sorry babe you know I'm bad with names.)
In the following 6 months our lives would weave in and out, at first by total accident when we bumped into each other, literally, in Western Massachusetts at another music event that he was playing. I still to this day remember the hug as we recognized each other, it threw me off my game and left him lingering in my head. I knew this was just the beginning to a new story in my life...though I had no friggen clue to what caliber.
Our seeing each other "randomly" became more frequent, and then a little "secret" (or so we tried to think). I would begin to take solo trips to NJ and we'd sneak away just to spend time together. Countless hours on the phone daily (6 years later we still never seem to run out of things to talk about).
The Universe is a crazy thing....
One day in August 2007 I got the call that mom had 6 months to live, about a week later, I was told she had weeks left. During a drive to NJ to watch Andrew play a show I got the call that she had maybe a day or two left. The decline was crazy fast and I needed to get to her ASAP.
Three days later she passed, and I was left in Pittsburgh...not quite sure how life had taken this heartbreaking turn.
I remember this Wednesday sitting in the office at my grandparent's house surfing the internet, and probably Myspace when I realized THE band, Juggling Suns, who had gotten me through some really hard times was playing, in Pittsburgh, that Friday. Thirteen hours away from my life, and Andrew was playing 15 minutes away.
Back then I saw it as a musical escape from a reality I was not ready to face... today I know it was fate, an intervention of the divine knowing exactly what I needed when I needed it.
(Forgive my jumping around, we are following my memories after all, and we all know I have the attention span of a gnat.)
As these memories fade and I face my future my heart is so warm and full of this Crazy Love.
For the first time in probably 20 years I am truly happy with open road ahead of me and my best friend beside me.
I'm not gonna lie, I have tears of excitement and joy each time I think about it.
I really got here... I found my way to actual happiness.
As a bride I am guilty of being over stressed, and worried.
Getting caught up in other people's tensions and issues.
Worrying about the details that we've so carefully planned and glued, and tied, and cut and written...
...but taking a peek back over my shoulder reminds me that that none of that matters, its all about the love and support that we share with each other.
This two person (ok 5 because lets be honest you all know I am crazy for our cats) family found me when I was more lost than I ever thought I could be.
In 9 days I will marry my best friend. The one I love most, laugh with the most, the one who makes me feel like I'm home though we haven't had one of our own for almost a year.
So keep your perspective, only look back to see how far you've come.
