Last year was a gift, our wedding was so perfect and our honey moon so amazing that I didn't shed a tear or spend the majority of the day obsessing about our missed opportunities of the past- running all the flash memories of the hardest day of my life over and over in my mind until I am too tired to think anymore.
I know that was your gift, and I am so grateful that for one day you took all that sadness out of my heart.
I want to say that from here on out I will only celebrate the day you were born, because your life made my life possible. And while my life has been hard, and sad, and I have walked that preverbal winding road; it has also been adventurous, fun and more full of love than I could ever imagine. I am supported by a network of family and friends that I never dreamed possible; this big old net of love has cradled me through the hard days.
So while I prefer to remember the Cherry Pie birthdays with peanut butter cup sundaes on hot humid Boston nights, huddled in your bedroom around the wall AC unit because the rest of the apartment is just too hot to deal with, I can't promise that the one day in September won't creep up on my heart.
I would rather remember quiet nights in watching movies that made us laugh and cry, not knowing then, that those memories are ones that I hold so tight to in fear of forgetting you.
That's really the issue isn't it?
We fear that we will forget the very things that made us who we are. I mean who could forget your laugh, especially when I have coined it well myself. (thanks for that by the way)
I hold tight to the memory of you dancing to a song that you LOVED, eyes closed big smile... that passion lives on lady- I rock it all the time and when I smile I think of you.
I hold tight to this stuff because it matters, it meant something to me. It keeps you alive in my heart and my soul when I am feeling lost in my crazy decisions, it comforts me to know, and I KNOW, that you are with me even more now every step of my life than you could have been while you were here on earth with us.
So Happy Birthday Mom, you are still loved, still missed, and celebrated every day.
I love you.
Smile- Rod Stewart
