Sometimes I feel suffocated by my own sense of responsibility. This once free spirit who would fly off any weekend, anywhere has had her wings clipped by the unforgiving shears of adulthood.
But I thought I was an adult then. Making my own money, seeing music live that nourished my entire soul, driving off into the sunset with great friends and big dreams...
Here I sit today, staring into a gray sky which has been gray for weeks never-ending.
Like the kind of gray that slowly creeps into your subconscious and reminds you of everything you've sacrificed; reminds you of those sunny days outside with, quite literally, not a worry or care in the world, beer in hand...
...where did that life go? Where did that girl go, because thinking about running off for a weekend with a small bag and CD case gives me major anxiety.
That money could go into savings, for a house, for kids, for college for kids we don't have that we're not sure we even really want(ok maybe we do but still)...
These are the things that plague my mind in my spare, or anytime really especially when they sky is a constant shade of light and dark gray, sun up to sun down.
Gray Sky. Gray Soul. Omnipresent suffocation, up on the mountain of responsibility. My how thin the air is....
Seriously though, how do I change this?
I have made some purposeful steps in manifesting what I want out of life. Weaving together the delicate silver strands of hope, talent, desire, bliss, freedom, creativity.
....God, I miss feeling wildly creative.
I've taken to reading a lot. Thinking that these stories plucked from someone's mind's eye, will ignite the flame of my creative soul, waking her up, to stay...not to spark and sputter and then eventually suffocate in my perfectionist's need of holding myself to unbelievable standards.
I get that from my mother.
We can never live up to our own expectations... shit how can anyone else?
When I was wild and free, and life started to catch up with me, I thought that to truly be happy I just needed to be completely, and financially responsible.
Bills paid.
Apartment clean and organized.
Healthy home cooking.
Sturdy Monday through Friday job, with benefits- 401K for extra points.
Very little debt.
Here I am.
My bills are paid, my apartment is normally in perfectly organized working order, I am housewife extraordinaire in the kitchen, and my job has been very good to me in so many ways- oh and by 2017 we should be out of debt.
but I'm not feeling it....
not feeling the bliss, the excitement of adventure.... not feeling this life that I've created, no matter how great it really is.
I want a creative position. I am so appreciative of my job, but I am a writer, a creative being full of technicolor dreams bursting out of me at my best.
This is dulling my my shine. All of it. My suffocating responsibility is snuffing out my light, so how do I turn it into an ignition of my blazing fire?
I'm not done... I can't be done. I have A LOT more to say. Fuck you if you think you've peaked, self, you surely have not.
I wanted to make a difference.
Whenever they asked me in school what I wanted from my life, I always said "I want to make a difference in this world"- even then, I was a little PositivePolly kinda gal.
I've carried Polly with me through all of the amazing sunrises, and sunsets that would melt your heart with beauty, and she's probably the one who takes my hand and helps me cross through the gray skies...
I refuse to think that the death my mother, 8 years ago, snuffed out my light- her death has changed so much in my life and changed so much about me....but, I didn't die with her, I live in celebration of her. I am all of the good things that she had to give to the world, without all of her regrets...
Get out of your own way... isn't that usually the reason we plateau after a great crescendo?
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